UFO Pilots Sacrifice Themselves To Save Yeti from Inter-Galactic Feud

In a meteoric rise to the height of scientific credibility and acumen, Dr. Yuri Labvin, president of the Tunguska Spatial Phenomenon Foundation, has revealed the most shocking revelation since the Shape-shifting Were- Squatch.

In 1908, high above the Siberian wilderness, an extra terrestrial spacecraft heroically interposed itself between earth and a meteor hell bent on the destruction of the Yeti.

Known to most scientists as the “Tunguska Event,” the resulting conflagration devastated a massive land area, but killed no humans due to the extreme wildness of the region.

Needless to say The Beer Yeti has put the bloodhound nose of our scientific inquiry staff onto the case, and taken the work of the good Dr. Labvin to its next logical, and scientific, conclusion.

“Destination: Dumb Luck”

Some people just luck out. Totally apart from their talents, merits, or qualifications, good things just happen to them. In other cases, these bearers of inexplicable good fortune manage to avoid terrible things that all reason dictates should happen to them. What can make this phenomenon particularly confusing, is when one of these types is on cable television practically begging to be savaged by an affronted Yeti.

For a while now, the Sci-Fi Channel has been cashing in on the running streak of dumb luck experienced by Josh Gates, host of the show  “Destination Truth.” According to the show’s website-

“Every week, Josh Gates — a world adventurer and eager truth-seeker — and his small crew of production buddies visit a different international destination alleged to be the home of a notorious, supernatural or mysterious creature…”

Sound intense? You know it is; this guy has the shades, stubble, and open shirt collar to prove it. It’s so intense that the chick with the bangs next to him is going to keep that camera rolling come hell or high water. Even a staged publicity shot won’t interrupt her quest for truth.

Scientific Community Astounded by Shape-Shifting Were-Squatch

If Mitt Romney actually is a shape-shifting were-Squatch, the staff at The Beer Yeti is unaware. We just wanted to protect the identity of the real Shape-shifting were-Squatch from villainous, “self-described” Sasquatch hunter Larry Sommerfield. The scientific chart posted above will be published with our upcoming white paper on the recent were-Squatch discovery.

For weeks now scientists have been working around the clock at The Beer Yeti research facility to dig to the bottom of the recent “sighting” of a 20 inch Sasquatch footprint by two men in British Columbia. Across the world speculators have wondered why a Sasquatch would leave evidence of his passing to the two men. Even our veteran staff made the mistake of assuming the the Sasquatch was leaving some kind of warning.

We could not have been more wrong.

As we have posted before, the truth of the situation is far more shocking.

Before we put down our findings, we urge our readers to consider the details of the original sighting of the footprint.

The two men claimed to have discovered the print while walking around their house at 9:30 in the evening. Additionally, the print was found near the path to the woodshed. To the inexpert eye this may appear as an inconsequential side note to the greater story of the print itself. However, it was seizing on, and correctly interpreting, these facts that enabled our researchers to conduct our battery of tests and calculations with such success.

No real Sasquatch wandered by the cabin of the two men. Lest you think we intend to suggest that someone perpetrated a simple hoax with a wooden cutout of a Sasquatch print; we do not. One of the men did indeed make the print, but it was with his real foot, and not a wooden cut out.

The truth: As darkness fell on the woods of British Columbia, a horrifying transformation took place within the cabin. A man fell to the floor writhing. Within seconds he exploded in size, limbs lengthening and tearing through his clothes. Long, matted hair curled out from his body, and brutal fangs lengthened in his jaws.With a roar he sprang toward his unfortunate companion, ravening jaws agape and slavering…

World-Shaking Analysis of Mormon Sasquatch Sighting To Be Released

After hours of seclusion in our secret lab facilities, the Beer Yeti Research Team is ready to release a discovery that will shake the scientific world to its very core. After reporting on the story of two Mormon missionaries who found a Sasquatch footprint outside their British Columbia home, our team of scientists vowed to reach the bottom of the mystery. Why did the Sasquatch reveal himself to these to men? The answers are bone-chilling. Even the Vietnamese Traditional Medicine guy in our health and wellness facility thought so! The data will be posted as soon as possible.

Mormons escape brush with Sasquatch

Many thanks to celebrated researcher JGordon for making sure that our staff  got the following information.

According to Houston-Today.Com, two Mormon missionaries living in British Columbia discovered a set of Sasquatch footprints outside of their home.The news of a cryptid revealing itself to emissaries of the Mormon church was sensational enough to merit coverage in a few newspapers, but researchers across the globe are pondering the deeper implications of the Sasquatch “sighting.”

Unfortunately for these researchers, the article does not relate key details about how the footprints were actually found. Even our least keen staff members ( namely Janet in accounting and the pest control team) were quick to see that valuable information has been neglected and ignored by the interviewers of the two men.

For instance, we know that the men first noticed the 20 inch print at 9:30 at night near the path leading to their woodshed. Why were they going to the woodshed? Did one of them trip in the trough-sized print? Did the light from their lantern illuminate the find? It is crucial that even the smallest details-such as what type of light they were using- be brought out. Torchlight or lantern? These clues make all the difference. Each one of these pieces can be used by experts to weave together a better understanding of what the Sasquatch wanted, and -more importantly- why he didn’t attack the Mormons. Of course this data assessment process is very laborious and technical, so we will probably not reprint it all here.

What we can say with finality is that these men narrowly escaped with their lives. Had they stepped outside to go to the woodshed and met the beast, they would have been undoubtedly been subjected to the creature’s simian onslaught.

Does this claim seem far fetched? Only if you lack a basic understanding of who and what a Sasquatch is.

In some ways the Sasquatch is a more degraded beast than its relative the Himalayan Yeti ( a scientific fact which will be expounded on another time), but they both have the same heart that burns with hatred for anything that infringes on freedom. Tales about the kind and gentle heart of the Sasquatch are drivel. It is a physical, and even metaphysical, impossibility for a Sasquatch or Yeti to see a human being and not erupt into an inferno of hate. This is not a reaction reserved only for humans; it applies to all Yeti-folk interactions. Other creatures can only ever be a reminder that freedom is fleeting. Because of this, the Sasquatch can not look at another creature without blinding malice and sorrow.

Are these creatures kind toward one another? Science has not spoken on this.

Yeti Crab: The Face of Evil

People fear what haunts the deep.

Certainly people fear the scourges of the shallows- namely small jellyfish and middle aged men in European swim wear- but nothing quite compares to the horror of something rising up from the unplumbed depths of the ocean to seize and drag you into the darkness.

It happens.

People are literally dragged into the depths by unnamed creatures on a regular basis, but few researchers have been able to ascertain the identity of these predators and live to report the findings.

For centuries seafarers have described all manner of loathsome, man-eating creatures, but not until 2005 did the unshakeable mandates of science confirm the existence of a beast more vile, evil, and rapacious than any rum-addled seaman could ever conceive of: The Yeti Crab.

Either way, the real loser is freedom…for the Yeti

It’s election day in the United States.

There has been no shortage of heated posturing and rhetoric, but not one candidate has addressed the critical issue of liberty for the Yeti and other maligned beasts.

So much for universal suffrage!

The staff at Beer Yeti chalks this heinous omission up to the entrenched party structures and media that wield unwarranted amounts of power when it comes to deciding what issues merit public debate.

In some sense it is to be expected that Yeti freedoms would not be taken seriously by candidates for the presidency. Neither of the major party candidates have been particularly interested in protecting the freedoms of their own constituents up to now, so our hopes that the denizens of the Himalayas will receive better treatment are pretty low.

For a brief moment we thought that one of the vice-presidential candidates would take up this noble cause. Here is why: someone who can scan the Russian horizon from their back door obviously has detailed knowledge of that country’s geography ( and policies), and would therefore know that Russia backs up to China. Likewise, China neighbors Tibet and Nepal, which are the primary territories of the Himalayan Yeti. So logically, the candidate who lives adjacent to Russia should be the most outspoken advocate for a creature that lives only two countries away. Alas, that hope was dashed to the ground early in the campaign season.

Maybe if the Yeti were somehow tied in with a costly war, the Patriot Act, or wealth redistribution his rights would be considered? Only time-and widespread, dedicated grassroots activism- will tell.

In light of this situation, our staff urges concerned United States citizens to form a Third -or Fourth-Party supporting real liberty for all creatures, or start supporting one that already does.

The Yeti and Water

We have no way of knowing, but it is undoubtedly true that a multitude of Himalayan wanderers have regretted their assumption that Yetis are afraid of water.

Laughable and unscientific mistake!

Only good taste keeps us from actually laughing, as most of the people who have made this error are dead or “missing.”

A wealth of field reports and peer review studies irrefutably show that the noble Yeti has quite an affinity for water. Why not? The Himalayan Yeti lives surrounded by water in all its liquid, solid, and semi-solid forms!

There is only one condition upon which a Yeti would shy away from water: if it were a rabid cat.

Since science has clearly spoken on the fact that Yetis are not rabid cats, and since there are probably only two or three wizards in the world capable of such a difficult transmogrification, everyone can unburden themselves of the hope that Yetis fear water.

Not to belabor this, but how would a Yeti get rabies anyway? Even the most hydrophobia-addled creature would have enough sense not to try to bite a Yeti. You don’t bite Yetis, they bite you!

Return

Freshly returned from a series of lengthy field experiments, the staff at Beer Yeti will begin publishing the findings as soon possible. We report -with immense relief- that not one of our number was lost to Yeti attack during this particular trip.

Japanese Researchers Narrowly Escape Yeti

It appears a team of Japanese researchers in Nepal managed to stumble across the trail of a Himalayan Yeti. That shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone with a basic grasp of Himalayan fauna. After all, what do we all know lives in the Himalayas?

The malevolent and unbelievably crafty Yeti.

This team found a Yeti footprint because the Yeti wanted them to.

Any expert will tell you that even though the Yeti does burn with the fires of unquenchable malice, he can occasionally feel a condescending respect towards those that respect him. Apparently he took the efforts of the Japanese team as a sort of tribute, and chose not to destroy them ( for the time being).

That footprint was both a reward and a warning.

The weight of scientific research in this area would indicate that, without a shadow of a doubt, the Yeti was waiting in ambush just meters from where the team found the print. Had they continued on the same path, the group would have certainly found increasingly fresh tracks leading to the mouth of a cave.

Unable to restrain themselves, the team would have crept into the cave, hope of a clear picture of the Yeti blinding them to imminent doom. Feverish with anticipation, the pounding of their own hearts  would have been louder than the faint rumbling above them. The empty recesses of the cave would amplify the increasingly thunderous sound, and the team would slowly begin to realize the magnitude of their folly.

Before they could escape, the Yeti-induced avalanche would reach the mouth of the cave, drowning out their pleas for life with the furious roar of a million tons of snow and rock.

Let’s hope that this team will be moved by the reclusive creature’s recognition of their dedication, and heed  his clear prohibition against further pursuit.