Mormons escape brush with Sasquatch
December 11, 2008
Many thanks to celebrated researcher JGordon for making sure that our staff got the following information.
According to Houston-Today.Com, two Mormon missionaries living in British Columbia discovered a set of Sasquatch footprints outside of their home.The news of a cryptid revealing itself to emissaries of the Mormon church was sensational enough to merit coverage in a few newspapers, but researchers across the globe are pondering the deeper implications of the Sasquatch “sighting.”
Unfortunately for these researchers, the article does not relate key details about how the footprints were actually found. Even our least keen staff members ( namely Janet in accounting and the pest control team) were quick to see that valuable information has been neglected and ignored by the interviewers of the two men.
For instance, we know that the men first noticed the 20 inch print at 9:30 at night near the path leading to their woodshed. Why were they going to the woodshed? Did one of them trip in the trough-sized print? Did the light from their lantern illuminate the find? It is crucial that even the smallest details-such as what type of light they were using- be brought out. Torchlight or lantern? These clues make all the difference. Each one of these pieces can be used by experts to weave together a better understanding of what the Sasquatch wanted, and -more importantly- why he didn’t attack the Mormons. Of course this data assessment process is very laborious and technical, so we will probably not reprint it all here.
What we can say with finality is that these men narrowly escaped with their lives. Had they stepped outside to go to the woodshed and met the beast, they would have been undoubtedly been subjected to the creature’s simian onslaught.
Does this claim seem far fetched? Only if you lack a basic understanding of who and what a Sasquatch is.
In some ways the Sasquatch is a more degraded beast than its relative the Himalayan Yeti ( a scientific fact which will be expounded on another time), but they both have the same heart that burns with hatred for anything that infringes on freedom. Tales about the kind and gentle heart of the Sasquatch are drivel. It is a physical, and even metaphysical, impossibility for a Sasquatch or Yeti to see a human being and not erupt into an inferno of hate. This is not a reaction reserved only for humans; it applies to all Yeti-folk interactions. Other creatures can only ever be a reminder that freedom is fleeting. Because of this, the Sasquatch can not look at another creature without blinding malice and sorrow.
Are these creatures kind toward one another? Science has not spoken on this.
Science has conclusively spoken on the fact the “Harry and the Henderson’s” is a cinematic and scientific abomination.
Perhaps the two men just missed the Sasquatch as he prowled past their home? Another plausible explanation is that the Sasquatch left the prints to warn the residents not to infringe on his woodland domains? Yeti-folk are known to have a bit of a fixation on “footprint warnings.” Whatever the Sasquatch intended, these men need to be extremely cautious. Comments made in the newspaper article suggest that they may just be coming around to the gravity of what happened.
“I still don’t know what to think,” he said. “I have heard some pretty ridiculous things about bigfoot but now I am leaning toward the edge of thinking it may be possible.”
This acceptance is refreshing; though some would say these men are uniquely suited to accepting things that most would consider far fetched. At least they can accurately inform others considering a move to British Columbia about all the dangers of assuming missionary positions there.
The real glory of the article is in the following words- “Larry Sommerfield, a self-proclaimed sasquatch hunter…“
This may be the best description ever committed to print.
Our first reactions were of outrage that someone would actually try to hunt down a Sasquatch, but these feelings passed as we realized that Sommerfield’s very existence proves how unbelievably ineffectual he is at his chosen profession. If he were on the right track, a Sasquatch would have already killed him. Our in-depth analysis of peer review studies and advanced physics formulas would suggest that Sommerfield is as likely to bring in a Sasquatch as he is to capture and train a trilobite.
Other creatures can only remind the Sasquatch that freedom is fleeting? So I guess this would apply to smaller, less intellectual creatures.
I don’t think it was a warning. If Sasquatches are really that filled with hate, why would it bother to warn anyone? These two just happened to be lucky enough to head out to the woodshed after Mr. Sasquatch had already passed.
Exclusive news and photographs of BigFoot sightings in the Brazos River area of Texas and the Sacramento region in California!
When you talked about your scientific process of determining what the Sasquatch wanted based on the type of illumination used by the guys who found the print I was fascinated. Thanks for not overwhelming us with all the details of how you come to the final conclusions!
I hadn’t seen that image of Sommerfield… That visual, for me at least, clears up many questions. Consider his appearance and those of his surroundings: the faded clothing over washed out, sagging skin, a crippled, dew-claw-like left pinky finger, the collapsing bookshelf (a study in decay—see the change in book quality from top shelf to bottom?), the Canadian flag, withered like last fall’s maple leaves itself…
We are clearly viewing a decrepit husk of a man, a being stuck in the twilight of existence, a veritable Gollum, crawled from the pages of high fantasy. You see, much like Gollum, Larry seems to be a creature no longer in control of himself, his very thoughts and actions dictated by a power far greater than that of his own will. I don’t think I need to say what that power is.
Sommerfield is no more a “sasquatch-hunter” than the marionette is a man-hunter (although let’s not dwell on the image of sentient marionettes… brr.) He is a plaything, a lab rat, an antiquated hand tool, kept only because it amuses its owner in its tragic ineffectualness.
Still, Larry, keep at it.
Also—I had overlooked the timing of the discovery. 9:30 PM, in B.C.? I’m writing from Minnesota, a handful of latitudinal rungs below Canada, and even here it’s totally dark by 5:00 this time of year. So that they found the footprint at all is remarkable to me. The sasquatch left it as a test, certainly, but did our Mormon proselytizers pass… or fail?
JGordon,
It was no failure. Alas, the reality of the cover up is much more sinister. We promised to release the findings of our in-depth analysis of the Mormons’ sighting, but the plans for our staff Christmas party have been unbelievably time consuming. Not that boozed up biologists slow dancing to “Blue Christmas” are of more importance than the new findings. We just want to make sure that everyone here is distraction free when the study is presented to the world. Your questions will be answered in full!
BY
One more thing. JGordon, no one wants to say what the power controlling Gollum Sommerfield is, but it has to be done. Did Gandalf cringe from telling the Shire-folk about Saruman’s foul master? Our staff would welcome your analysis.
The simple version, of course, is that he is being toyed with by the sasquatch (sasquatches? Naturally, grammar fails to describe the indescribable.)
I only hesitate to extrapolate on the precise mechanism of control because I don’t fully understand it myself. The conical skull of the North American Sas-yeti might hold organs of manipulation beyond our current understanding, or perhaps the beasts have a grasp of ethnobotany that facilitates a controlled decay—via psychoactive flora—of the human mind into… into… whatever it is Sommerfield has become.
Or maybe we’re being silly? The simplest explanation is so often the right one—Sommerfield is like a mouse so dazed by its capture that it can’t think even to run from the cat. Maybe it even wanders in the direction of the predator’s jaws (as he certainly has, in his own haphazard fashion).
At any rate, that’s all I meant.
when i heard about the most recent Bigfoot sighting it really got my hopes up…
Bigfoot is living at my home. I ammworrieboot his saftey he is so loving and smellhis name is harry. my name george henderson i want harry to be a henderson and maybe write a book one day called harry and the hendersons , hey you never know i could be a movie.
Anon,
We are more worried that your grasp of punctuation will prove a roadblock in pursuing your dream of making this movie. That said, it sounds like a pretty solid idea.
The Beer Yeti
I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THIS IS FAKE I SAW IT ON THE NEWS WHOEVER DECIDED TO DO THIS IS NOTHING BUT A BIG PHONY uu guys suck and sasquatch is nothing but a made up myth
he’s real
hes
real
Anon,
You used all Caps, so that must trump the scientific process. Are there non “made up myths?”
dude stop ESSIN WITH SACQUTCH haha yea im on it