Scientific Community Astounded by Shape-Shifting Were-Squatch
December 31, 2008
If Mitt Romney actually is a shape-shifting were-Squatch, the staff at The Beer Yeti is unaware. We just wanted to protect the identity of the real Shape-shifting were-Squatch from villainous, “self-described” Sasquatch hunter Larry Sommerfield. The scientific chart posted above will be published with our upcoming white paper on the recent were-Squatch discovery.
For weeks now scientists have been working around the clock at The Beer Yeti research facility to dig to the bottom of the recent “sighting” of a 20 inch Sasquatch footprint by two men in British Columbia. Across the world speculators have wondered why a Sasquatch would leave evidence of his passing to the two men. Even our veteran staff made the mistake of assuming the the Sasquatch was leaving some kind of warning.
We could not have been more wrong.
As we have posted before, the truth of the situation is far more shocking.
Before we put down our findings, we urge our readers to consider the details of the original sighting of the footprint.
The two men claimed to have discovered the print while walking around their house at 9:30 in the evening. Additionally, the print was found near the path to the woodshed. To the inexpert eye this may appear as an inconsequential side note to the greater story of the print itself. However, it was seizing on, and correctly interpreting, these facts that enabled our researchers to conduct our battery of tests and calculations with such success.
No real Sasquatch wandered by the cabin of the two men. Lest you think we intend to suggest that someone perpetrated a simple hoax with a wooden cutout of a Sasquatch print; we do not. One of the men did indeed make the print, but it was with his real foot, and not a wooden cut out.
The truth: As darkness fell on the woods of British Columbia, a horrifying transformation took place within the cabin. A man fell to the floor writhing. Within seconds he exploded in size, limbs lengthening and tearing through his clothes. Long, matted hair curled out from his body, and brutal fangs lengthened in his jaws.With a roar he sprang toward his unfortunate companion, ravening jaws agape and slavering…
“Hold on,” you say. “If the beast attacked his roommate, how did two men report the news of the footprint?”
Exactly! There was no attack. Mastering his primal urge for blood, the beast allowed itself to be docilely led by his companion out to the woodshed to be locked up until he regained his normal appearance.
Naturally when our testing revealed all this ( the details of which are cripplingly technical), we were as astounded as you are.
After all, this is the first time The Beer Yeti has ever dealt with a Shape Shifter, or more correctly, a Shape-shifting Were-Squatch.
Scientific data proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that the footprint discovered on the path to the woodshed was actually made by one of the men after he shape-shifted into the world’s first confirmed Were-Squatch.
Our staff avoids at all costs falling into speculation, but it can be assumed that this man/Were-Squatch grew to the point where his transformations could no longer be controlled. In fear that his massive strength and Were-Squatch urges toward violence would endanger his friends and neighbors, he was moved to a remote area where his unique capabilities would not put as many at risk. Certainly his roommate is a man of vast courage. For that matter, we applaud the force of will in the Were-Squatch that keeps it from battering the cabin into matchsticks, and rampaging around Canada.
Hopefully Larry Sommerfield will call off his misguided Sasquatch hunting attempts in light of the Were-Squatch’s unique nature.
I am astounded by your insights into a story that received such topical coverage in the media. How you got to the truth of the wereSquatch is fascinating!
Hopefully the media will be equally willing to publicize your findings.
Remarkable.
It brings to mind the legend of the Wendigo, passed down through the generations via Marvel Comics’ Wolverine series—a perverted Canadian shut-in (is there any other kind?), cursed with the form of a massive, hairy beast for breaking that oldest of human maxims: don’t eat people, and shit.
However, while the quasi-mythological adversary of Wolverine is nothing but wood pulp and toner (to my knowledge, at any rate), the were-squatch is as real as I am (very real), and I fear that the analogy runs a risk of trivializing this discovery.
That said, the wendigo legend does raise an interesting point—how did this gentleman become afflicted (blessed? cursed? infected?) with this… condition in the first place? Squatch-bite? I doubt it. I imagine that studying the long term health effects of sasquatch attack would be about as fruitful a pursuit as studying the long term health effects of eating a shotgun barrel.
So… what? Is it a Mormon thing?
“So…what? Is it a Mormon thing?”
I’m guessing so. I mean, the only weresquatch we know of is a Mormon, so therefore…
The highest levels of his church’s government need to make some kind of public statement about the weresquatch. It seems only right!
Mssr. Gadboix,
Hopefully the media will give this revelation all the screen-time and print it deserves. As of now, we are still waiting to hear back from the various networks we sent the release to.
JGordon,
Even now our scientists are locked away in the labs trying to ascertain how the man became a wereSquatch. We tend to look at his shape-shifting as a potential blessing in disguise. If he can control himself enough not to maul his roommate and destroy his cabin, he could harness his powers to fight crime. Maybe all the wereSquatch/missionary lacks is a mentor to teach him some basic crime-fighting skills ( axe throwing, jumping really high, using young trees as bludgeons)?
The Beer Yeti
Never before have I been so proud of the people at Beer Yeti. It’s a real pleasure to be given such a close look at the rigorous work you do.
I was bitten by a Mormon once… this makes me nervous.
Then again, on one occasion I was bitten by a bat dozens of times over a several-hour period (I had passed out earlier in the evening, and when I came to I found the bat next to me, dead—apparently I had rolled over onto it while it was biting me), and I have yet to turn into a vampire or a hydrophobe, so I’ve no good precedence to justify my anxiety.
Still…
Serves you right to pass out drunk in the Indian wilderness. Those vampire bats are a nightmare. Never been there myself, but I’ve seen Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom!