Josh Gates Spared by Yeti

Josh Gates’ Cryptozoological Clouseauian Capers Continue

In the past we have been rather hard on Josh Gates. Truth be told, we have probably been even harder on him than his televised series of blind speculation merits.

Getting paid to wander around the globe with a “team of truth seekers” investigating oral traditions from semi-literate tribesmen isn’t a bad gig, and far be it from us to hold it against the guy for running with the opportunity.

In fact,  we recently required several members of the research staff to  watch Destination Truth: The Bhutan Yeti in its entirety.

Now, it appears that Gates and his merry band of may have struck upon something neither he or his producers actually expected: scientific evidence of the creature they seek.

It can  be assumed that whoever is funding Gates’ nocturnal romps with the night vision camera is alternately dumbfounded and elated.

In the course of wandering through the Bhutanese wilderness, Gate’s came across a clump of matted fur hanging from a rock.

Overjoyed, Gates mailed in the fur to a Texas laboratory, where Dr. Melba Ketchum, of Texas A&M, ran diagnostics. The good doctor determined that the hair was from a large primate, was coarser than horse hair, and matched nothing else found in the database.

Some members of our staff  have snidely suggested that perhaps the hair remnant was from Gates himself, but our scientific standards prohibit us publishing such an unsubstantiated rumor.

Our own calculations, experimentation, and interpretation of historic accounts leave little doubt that the majestic beast prowls the Himalayan crags (we cannot post them here due to organizational privacy standards and their prohibitive complexity).

We’ve said this before, and we’ll say it again, the truly baffling question is why Josh Gates hasn’t been attacked and eaten by a Yeti.

Here are several compelling scientific reasons why Gates should have already been consumed by a Yeti:

• He rappels down rock faces when he doesn’t need to
• He  rides raging rapids he doesn’t need to
• He  crashes around the mountains at night when he doesn’t need to
• He is on a show called Ghost Hunters
• His necklace
  

It’s a miracle Bhutan didn’t run him out on grounds of sheer irritation.

How much greater would be the rage of a Yeti that burns with unquenchable desire for human flesh?

After considering this particular situation, our researchers have struck upon a  revolutionary scientific theory. Could the Yeti’s mind of stony hate be pierced with an almost-sentimental curiosity?

Regarding Gates, of course not.

There is a remote chance that his “scientist” team member Jael DePardo could be a different story altogether.

Of course our board roared with laughter when our Crypto-Sociology Team first made the suggestion, but this subsided when consensus was reached: there could be no other logical conclusion as to why a Yeti has not attacked the world’s most irritating adventurer.

“Post-Processual Pete,” our Crypto-Sociology team leader, issued the following department statement:

“We are looking at the first recorded instance of restraint in a Yeti. Our best approximations indicate that Mr. Gates was at great personal risk of Yeti attack, and that moments before the Himalayan predator hurtled downward, he was stopped in his tracks by the sight and sound of Ms. Depardo. We’re dealing with a beast so reclusive, he may have never seen a woman before! This by no means is proof of sentimental feelings in the Yeti, but it does indicate some level of superstitious curiosity. The hair was probably left at the sight of the beast’s ambush spot.  Mr. Gates undoubtedly owes his life to this unwitting Pocahontas. This breakthrough has paved new inroads into our study of Yeti behaviors.”

Yes. The Beer Yeti is officially stating that the only plausible reason why Josh Gates was not eaten by a Yeti, is that said Yeti must have been surprised by the presence of Jael DePardo.

Certainly this is a difficult position to defend, but we are confident there can be no other possibility. If either Mr. Gates or Ms. DePardo want to share alternate theories over a refreshing Vigorade or Apocalypse Power Liquor  ( our newest sponsors) we would welcome the dialogue.

We look forward to publishing more of these rigorous, post-empirical, findings as our world class researchers unravel the clues. In the meantime, The Beer Yeti advises that -exclusively for safety reasons- Mr. Gates dress in drag for all upcoming, televised expeditions into the Himalayas. Perhaps if the Yeti mistakes Gates for the charming Ms. DePardo, he will escape the perilous peaks to film again.