Australia Faces Werewolf Pandemic

Artist’s rendering of the Australian National Werewolf Defense Fort at Ayers Rock

Mad Max may exert an undo influence over our general perception of Australia, but recent scientific findings have confirmed that something about that place just isn’t right.

An adjunct, auxiliary, hourly-wage, part-time Beer Yeti apprentice just passed along a report that has most of our staff reevaluating Sydney as the right location for The Beer Yeti’s 2027 Staff Retreat.

A study published in the Australia Medical Journal announced that some people tend to exhibit “werewolf” like behaviors during the full moon.

According to the study, 91 patients in Calvary Mater Newcastle Hospital’s emergency room displayed “violent and acute behavioral disturbance.”  This included biting, scratching and spitting at staff members. Nearly 23% of these incidents occurred during the full moon.

One staff member reported that 66% of these subjects were under the influence of drugs and alcohol. The following is taken from her statement-

“It has been reported that the practice of rubbing magic ointment on the skin or inhaling vapor from a magic potion by an alleged werewolf induces metamorphosis.  Not surprisingly, the main ingredients of these ointments and potions were belladonna and nightshade, both of which can produce delirium, hallucinations and delusion of bodily metamorphosis.”

We want to get this right. It took advanced medical education, peer-reviewed medical journals, and large amounts of government funding to determine that some toxicology patients display violent behaviors during the full moon?

We asked our own Native American traditional healer for a statement on the situation, and she said, “Violent drug addicts attack hospital staff in the toxicology department, and they are trying to blame this on lunar cycles? This is completely coincidental, and a waste of the medical community’s time to speculate about.”

So exactly as we guessed right off, Australia is under sever threat of a werewolf pandemic.

All that training and money, and the Australian medical field is still struggling to understand what any cryptozoologist – or even alchemist – could have pointed out.

You know who displays “werewolf-like” behaviors during the full moon. Werewolves do.

If this hospital alone dealt with 91 cases of werewolves, we can only imagine that the worst is yet to come. It is time to declare national emergency, and deal with the werewolf onslaught before things get totally out of control.

In times like this, we generally have two “go to” strategies.

The first is always “What would Buffy Summers do?” and the second is “If Buffy did bite the dust by going with the first plan, how would Bruce Willis save our bacon?”

These protocols generally do not mesh well with fire drills.

The one clear solution is for Australia to fall back on the Swiss strategy of the “National Redoubt“, or in layman’s terms, “a big fort.” If anyone had to pick the perfect place to fend off a werewolf assault, it is unthinkable that they would choose any place but Uluru (Ayers Rock).

This massive rock formation in the middle of nowhere is just begging for a little tunneling and fortification.

The Aboriginal peoples might have some qualms about using the sacred rock as a werewolf fort, but that is only because they have never seen a werewolf pandemic. Government negotiators will have to hammer out the details, but eventually the question will have to be answered, “What sounds worse, breaking Dreamtime taboos, or getting eaten by a werewolf from Perth?”

Our very concise opinion would be that the Australian government begin immediate fortification of, and withdrawal to, Uluru in order to survive the coming werewolf war. Most likely the entire economy needs to be focused exclusively on preparation for this necessity. Our suggestion would be to put Steven Seagal and Dolph Lundgren in joint control of a more immediate “Werewolf Suppression Task Force.”

Of course the Australian government can also choose to mock us, and ignore our recommendations.

It’s no skin off The Beer Yeti’s back. We already have a werewolf fort.

Virginians Uncover Sasquatch Feces

Now available for lectures

A group of Sasquatch seekers in Virginia is blazing new trails in cryptozoological inquiry.

According to Billy Willard, founder of Sasquatch Watch of Virginia, a team of Sasquatch seekers recently came across samples of “suspicious feces” while scouring the West Virginian wilderness for Bigfoot.

Willard told West Virginian Public Broadcasting that while they found “suspicious feces,” and made casts of footprints, they did not actually spot the elusive biped.

“Typically we go out and visit sites where there’s been previous sighting reports,” Willard said. “We do get encounters called in to a hot line that we have, and we go out and we’ll research those areas looking for evidence such as footprints, strange stick tree structures and that kind of thing.”

Mr. Willard went on to state that though he has never personally beheld a Sasquatch, he firmly believes they exist.

“I could accept that this thing is human, whether it’s an undiscovered Native American tribe of people, I could accept that this is some kind of North American ape that just simply hasn’t been documented yet,” he said. “Those are the two main theories.”

Our Field Operations Planning Committee (FOPC) is abuzz with how to assimilate Mr. Willard’s statements into their own excursions afield. Specifically, how does one go about identifying and categorizing “suspicious feces”?

This pretty much dominated our staff meeting this morning, as various employees on FOPC wanted to know what characteristics of fecal material found in the woods qualify it as “suspicious,” and if they get a bonus for having to collect samples.

Unfortunately, Sasquatch Watch of Virginia has been lax in posting their “Suspicious Feces Identification Standards” on the organizational website, so this debate will most likely be ongoing.

Unlike other recently addressed Bigfoot research groups, we feel that Mr. Willard has an open mind, and is most likely not a shape-shifter.

Much more time and research will have to be dedicated to investigating one of the “two main theories,” namely that Sasquatch is an undiscovered Native American tribe roaming around West Virginia. Tribal elders of First Nations traditionally residing in West Virginia will need to be extensively interviewed before The Beer Yeti can officially comment on this postulation.

Should the Sasquatch be tax exempt? This is just one of the ramifications of Mr. Willard’s theory.

More on that to come shortly.

If you have encountered a Sasquatch, or come across “suspicious feces,” we encourage you to reward the hard work of the good folks at SWV by letting them know via this hotline: (703) 445-4287