The response to The Beer Yeti’s call for a boycott against The Home Depot has been overwhelming. A wave of anger over the marketing of “Sasquatch the Garden Yeti” has been sweeping like a tsunami of justice through the greater cryptozoological liberation activist community.

Hopefully this anger will quickly be turned into reconciliation when The Home Depot takes the necessary steps to remove the offensive statue from their inventory.

In the meantime, The Beer yeti Boycott is taking a huge toll on the home improvement giant’s financial well-being. Third quarter profits were already significantly down from 2008 when the numbers were released in August. Now the boycott seems to be driving down hopes of a rallying third quarter.

Just view the chart below. After our boycott was announced on September 22, share prices plummeted from 28.14 down to 26.85 a short three days later. Since then, share prices have dropped even further, hitting 25.21 yesterday.

Wall Street is clearly on board with the aims of the greater cryptozoological research community boycott, but is The Home Depot?

Sadly, no.

As of today, “Sasquatch the Garden Yeti” is still available for purchase on The Home Depot website.

It grieves us to see such a fine company subject themselves to fiscal devastation because they are too proud to remove an objectifying, exploitative garden statue.

The world of home improvement merchandising is still reeling from the heavy-handed boycott The Beer Yeti enacted over the sale of “Sasquatch the Garden Yeti,” potentially the most offensive garden decoration ever made available to international markets.

Now, Phoenix-based marketing/publishing firm “Sky Mall” has been exposed as another cog in the anti-Yeti defamation machine.

Recently, an activist reader was perusing Sky Mall’s quarterly publication mid-flight, and discovered that the magazine offered the same objectifying sculpture that set off The Home Depot boycott!

So what exactly is it that you sell, Sky Mall? Shower radios, or exploitation?

The implications of Sky Mall selling this monument to ignorance are huge. Every year, approximately 650 MILLION travelers are exposed to their in-flight catalog. That is 650 Million people being bombarded with harmful stereotypes, and having their misconceptions cemented into an adamantine indifference to crypid rights.

Some members of our research staff have already begun investigating whether Sky Mall may be intentionally carrying out a massive anti-cryptid brainwashing scheme. Who would be behind that, we can not positively say. If and when our staff is able to come to a reasonable, empirically-backed decision on this, we will let the world know. Until then we will give Sky Mall the benefit of the doubt, and assume that unbridled avarice and ignorance are their sole motivations for selling the “Big Foot Garden Statue.”

Looking over the “Product Reviews” on the Sky Mall website certainly has some of us leaning toward the brainwashing explanation.

While we intend to look into this further, it is our painful duty to call for a Sky Mall boycott by the greater cryptozoological research community. We urge activists to abstain from ordering from their catalog/web site until the following concessions are made-

• 650 Million Apologies must be printed and made available to every domestic flight in the United States. You did the damage, Sky Mall, it’s time to pay the piper.
• All remaining stock of exploitative garden statues must be ground into dust and scattered over your corporate offices by means of an Airbus A380.
• Significant contributions need to be made to Yeti research/liberation organizations.

We look forward to gathering with Sky Mall at the table of brotherhood to reaffirm their commitment to justice and equity.

A special thanks to NMS for his commitment to freedom and liberty.

“Ok Yeti, say hello to the 21st Century!”

The announcement that director Sam Raimi ( “Army of Darkness,” “Spiderman”) will be producing the Yeti-centric film “Refuge,” caused quite a stir around The Beer Yeti research compound. Some of our crypto-liberation researchers have welcomed the news, others ( namely Rick in accounting) remain deeply skeptical that the producer will give the legendary beast its due respect.

According to Reuters, the film “centers on a remote town terrorized by a Yeti, the mythological creature native to the mountains of the Himalayas.”

Aside from  sloppy reporting by Reuters ( “mythological”), this sounds like a film our organization-nay the entire crypto-liberation movement- could rall behind.

We realize that the previous sentence could be disconcerting to some of our  co-activists in the fight against cryptid exploitation. How could the staunchest defender of Yeti dignity stoop to endorse silver screen objectification?

We urge you to consider that this film could be a step toward undoing deeply-rooted patterns of historic injustice. After all, knowledgeable individuals know that it is no stretch whatsoever to imagine a remote village being terrorized by a Yeti. The bigger stretch is assuming there are remote Tibetan villages not being terrorized by Yeti.

If there were an incomparably cunning beast, filled with unquenchable hatred for mankind, roaming around our research complex would certainly heighten our personal discomfort. What can these people do about it? Shivering behind the walls of  a Tibetan peasant hut is no protection from a malevolent cryptid with the documented strength of at least a dozen yaks.

Anyway you look at it, it’s a bad situation. If “Refuge” can give the world a tiny glimpse into the reality of everyday life in proximity to the Yeti, then Sam Raimi deserves some commendation.

The man has been given ample creative room to favorably display the freedom-focused ferocity of the Yeti. The question is, will he do it right?

The Beer Yeti is willing to hope for the best.

Of course, if Raimi is serious about accurate Yeti portrayal, he should reach out to the cryptozoological research community for their support in making the film. One important step in this direction would be taking on The Beer Yeti in consultant capacity for the duration of the film’s production.Without expert advice and consultation, Raimi could easily find himself the focal point of a Yeti Exploitation Boycott. We know he wants to avoid such a career-ending eventuality. The Beer Yeti does as well, seeing as our own Crypto-Activist Anti-Exploitation Task Force (CAAETF) is overworked with managing the day-to-day actions of our current boycotts against Skoda Automotive and The Home Depot.

Which road will he take? Like the rest of you, The Beer Yeti will have to wait and see. We only hope “Ash” will be returning to the screen as a prominent character in “Refuge.”

The Home Depot, America’s favorite home and garden superstore, appears to be running a sale on exploitation and degradation.

While searching the The Home Depot website for some decorative sidewalk pavers, a member of our maintenance department came across one of the most grossly exploitative caricatures we have encountered. Though somewhat hardened by years of fighting in the Crypto-Liberation trenches, this humiliating objectification of the Himalayan Yeti brought tears of outrage to the eyes of more than one Beer Yeti staff member.

The revolting monument to corporate greed is styled “Bigfoot the Garden Yeti.”

Below is the open letter we are preparing to send to The Home Depot.

To the Home Depot,

As figurehead for the Crypto-Liberation Movement, The Beer Yeti is compelled to vehemently condemn the base exploitation to which your organization has stooped.

Quite frankly, you have a fine operation. Our staff members frequent your stores, and have -up to this point- enjoyed the wide selection and good prices you provide.

That was before we realized that exploitation, shame and objectification were being stocked along with the lawn fertilizer and home appliances.

Specifically, your web site makes available for sale a small garden statue styled “Bigfoot the Garden Yeti.”

We should not have to reprove individuals of your business acumen for such an oversight, but since we are going to anyway, here it goes.

Have any of you ever heard of a “Bigfoot Yeti?”

You haven’t, because there is no such thing. Had you reached out the knowledgeable designers, you would be aware that “Yeti” and “Bigfoot” are not interchangeable sobriquets for the same creature. These are two very distinct species, and have completely different features and habits. To meld two completely different crypto bi-peds into one grotesque garden statue is unthinkably offensive.

How offensive, you ask? Well, we looked around your site and noticed you didn’t have any lawn statues named “Chief Sitting Bull the Garden Ghandi.”  Why not? They are both “Indian” after all!  It isn’t as if speculative, deeply offensive statues are something you are not willing to market.

We don’t know what you were thinking when you decided to run this misbegotten item, but you obviously were not considering the pain it would cause to the cryptozoological research community.

At present, our well known position on Corporate Crypto-Exploitation mandates that we immediately boycott your chain of stores. We regret the damage done to your business in these troubling economic climes, but urge you to think of the more-than-monetary damage you have wrought through this degrading garden statue. Likewise, The Beer Yeti calls on the greater cryptozoological research community to join our boycott of your stores.

The boycott begins today, and will be called off only when the following reparative actions have been taken:

1.) All remaining “Bigfoot the Garden Yeti” statues must be ground down and re-shaped into a 20′ Yeti monument ( matching the anatomical specifications we send you) to stand in front of the Home Depot Corporate Headquarters.

2.) A general recall of all “Bigfoot the Garden Yeti” statues must be issued with an apology, and the offer of crypto-sensitivity training to be paid for by Home Depot.

3.) The hiring of a Crypto-Rights/Sensitivity Consultant to facilitate unity and appropriate artistic renderings in the future.

4.) An actions-based, organizational turn toward rebuilding bridges that have been burned with the greater cryptozoological research community.

5.) Funding a “Cryptid Awareness in Marketing” research and rehabilitation effort, to be conducted and implemented by The Beer Yeti.

6.) Six weeks of pro-Yeti, public service announcements to be run on major television networks.

Please view our current boycott, and these “demands,” as our hand extended to help you build bridges, not walls. Please take action immediately, and we will look forward to seeing you again at The Home Depot.

Sincerely,

The Beer Yeti

When The Beer Yeti first proposed the revolutionary theory of Yeti/Extraterrestrial interaction, skeptics came out of the woodwork to belittle the notion. Now, the naysayers can ask themselves this question: “Do I want Cool Whip when I have to eat a big, fat piece of Humble Pie?”

Extremely credible research has emerged suggesting that conclusive evidence of our theory is shortly to be revealed. According to this world-renowned news site, a UFO researcher in Russia intends to explore what he believes is the extra terrestrial equivalent of a truck stop-

“Recently, a series of domed underground bases have been discovered on the banks of the Vilyuy River. These are believed by many researchers to be UFO bases used by visiting extra terrestrials. There are said to be vast structures and many rooms beneath these domes. These domes are believed to have been used by UFO travelers for thousands of years.”

UFO travelers? Underground bases? Finally some substantive contributions from the media!

Lest you question the veracity of these postulations, the expedition’s leader is standing by to allay your fears. Nikolay Subbotin, a self-identifying UFO researcher, apparently has seen (or read) everything he needs to declare the project worthy of his attention.

“It is written in ancient Tibetan scrolls that in times gone by these domes were part of defense system for an ancient ET colony. I know all this sounds highly unbelievable and like complete fantasy, however, having read the scrolls myself, I can say that they really do contain such information.”

Using even a contemporary Tibetan scroll as backing for doing anything is unbelievably intense. Implying that you have multiple, ancient Tibetan scrolls whose secrets you have assimilated is about as intense as riding a cyborg Orca through a supernova of radioactive magma. That’s what it is like for Nikolay Subbotin every day. You have doubts? When you produce multiple, ancient Tibetan texts saying there isn’t an underground alien base in Siberia maybe he will take time from opening the secrets of the universe to listen to you.

At one time, taking the word of a UFO researcher who claimed to have interpreted Tibetan scrolls about an underground alien base would have fomented doubt in our minds. That was before we got post-credential. Plus, he “read them himself.” It’s not like he got the scoop second hand. That would be crazy.

( Nikolay Subbotin in red shirt. Well, it’s either Subbotin, or Larry Mullen from U2)

Yeti sightings are a good thing ( if you live through it), and are generally greeted with enthusiasm by researchers at The Beer Yeti. Of late, disconcerting events in Poland have cast a pall of gloom over our entire compound.

According to Justyna Folger, a self described “19 year old Polish woman”, a skulking Yeti spent  minutes leering at her as she splashed around in a bikini. Whilst said Yeti skulked and leered, her boyfriend caught the beast in a grainy video, which has since had over 200,000 hits on YouTube.

This alleged Yeti behavior has raised serious problems for the crypto-research community, and a mad race has begun in labs across the globe to put meaning to the interaction. Save yourselves the trouble and expense, people. The Beer Yeti has weighed this case, and found it wanting.

What should be obvious to even the most neophyte cryptozoologist is that this breaks the pattern of typical Yeti “sightings,” as it involves Poland, and a bikini ( do they even have those in the Himalayas?). What is sadly typical is the coarse manner in which the drive-by media has embraced the most juvenile possibilities of the sighting.

The Yeti is majestic and aloof, not to be treated like a cameo character on Family Guy.

The Yeti has never displayed anything but a desire to avoid any and all contact with humanity. When avoidance has been impossible, human intruders have felt the devastating wrath of Yeti Justice. Science has spoken conclusively on this, and the fact that we have to reiterate this basic scientific fact shows the sad under-education of this generation. Had this woman happened upon a Yeti, neither she nor her voyeur boyfriend would have survived to report on it. Of course this would never happen in the first place. You don’t “happen” on a Yeti. A Yeti happens to you, and only once. The hasty attribution of human foible  like lust and loneliness to a beast that has never demonstrated either, and is scientifically incapable of them, shows that something is very, very wrong with the scenario presented by the Polish sunbathers. One “news” source in the U.K. went so far as to report the incident as “Bikini girl: pervert yeti stalked me.” Even now ‘The Beer Yeti Legal Advisory Council for the Defense and Liberation of Cryptids’ ( ‘TBYLACDLC’ on our business cards) is drawing up the paperwork to pursue legal action against these libelous allegations.

So what actually happened? Admittedly, our first reaction was to order “first available” tickets to Poland to delve further into the habits of the first ever Polish Yeti, or “Yollock.” That bubble was burst far too speedily.

No real Yeti came wandering down out of the rocks to ogle bathing Poles. After a series of paralyzingly technical computations and first order logical deductions, The Beer Yeti is sad to announce that this is not even a light-hearted ruse.

Poland is widely considered to have an economy ripe for growth and foreign investment. With the exception of some struggles with the agricultural aspect of the economy, wide-scale privatization of state-owned companies has tremendously benefited the nation. Other European nations have leapt to pour investments into a country that has every prospect of continuing its economic climb. One neighbor has invested itself more than any other in Poland’s fiscal ascendency. Germany is hands-down Poland’s biggest, most influential trading partner.

How does a beast with absolute disinterest in human engagement play into the larger scheme of Poland’s economy? Let The Beer Yeti lay some truth on you.

In times of massive crisis, people are much more inclined to surrender the responsibility for their well-being into the hands of those with the power to protect their peace of mind. A manufactured national panic over “aggressive Yeti behavior” would soon have the populace begging for someone to step in and ensure that their families are kept safe. Naturally, a powerful trading partner with close ties to the highest levels of the Polish government would be willing to lend all of its resources to keep its allies safe. First the promise of protection, then anti-swimwear statutes, finally total economic control. The application of this cold logic is terrifying.While the nation unleashes a furor of ignorant fear on their perceived cryptid threat, economic power will be gobbled up by the very people who manufactured the crisis. Somewhere, a corporate henchman is sitting by a Yeti costume drinking a schnapps and biding his time. Our bet is that sunbathing “Justyna Folger” has close ties to some of Poland’s most significant foreign investors.

Their is one other- slightly less probable- scenario, but it involves teleportation, and we are trying to avoid speculation.

Hopefully, the Polish government will heed our research and refuse to become embroiled in an anti-cryptid movement that could be their undoing.

Month after month has passed, person after person has been appointed to posts in President Obama’s administration, yet one glaring omission is causing wildfire-like speculation at the highest levels of governments around the globe.

Inside sources tell The Beer Yeti that President Obama has yet to appoint a Cryptozoology Czar.

The ramifications of this oversight are stunning. Says one anonymous scientist,

” The cryptozoology research community is dumbfounded. Does the current administration have any intentions of facilitating a collaborative research effort? It doesn’t seem like it. Honestly, people are scared.”

Even our veteran pollsters and data analysts were thrown off.  Up to this point, we assumed that the hubbub over massive healthcare shifts was  simply a distraction drummed up to buy Obama time to make a more thorough search for an appropriate figurehead for the United State’s cryptozoological research efforts.

We continue to hold out in hopes that President Obama has simply not found someone with the extensive qualifications and experience that holding such a vital office would require. All the same, speed is of the essence in meeting the lofty expectations of the nation and the world.

A substantive, policy-based position like Secretary of Cryptozoological Research and Cryptid Freedom Facilitation is one that the United States cannot afford to have empty for long.

What will President Obama do? We intend to keep our readers updated with the same information we receive.

Exploitation: “The utilization of another person or group for selfish purposes”

If you are deeply offended the picture above, you should be. In fact, it was hotly debated at our staff meeting this morning whether we should even allow this photo to be released on our organizational blog.

After many tears were shed, we came to the conclusion that we are-after all- a research organization primary focused on cryptid protection and liberation, and to let this horror slip by unrefuted would be shrinking back from everything we have fought so long for.

Skoda Auto, a Czech vehicle manufacturer, recently introduced a new compact SUV styled the “Yeti.”

What a chance for Skoda! In their hands was the opportunity to christen a vehicle after a beast unrivaled in strength, cunning and ferocity.Instead, this company chose to go down the sad road of exploitation. Below is the letter which our organization will shortly be sending to Skoda’s Board of Directors.

Dear Sirs,

As the world’s foremost authority on post-credential cryptozoological research, and recognized pioneers in the Yeti liberation movement, we must condemn your recent exploitation of the Yeti during the Geneva Motor Show. While we applaud your application of the name “Yeti” to your charming new Sports Utility Vehicle, the merit of your name choice is completely eroded by your allowing an exploitative caricature of the Himalayan Yeti to be displayed at the aforementioned auto show. We should not have to remind professionals of your standing that the Yeti has suffered from persistent exploitation for decades. Instead of immortalized for its strength and elusive cunning, this noble beast has been consigned to cartoons and crass marketing ploys. In your hands was the opportunity to strike a blow against historic injustice, but you let it slip through your fingers. Frankly, the costumed character on display with your new vehicle has left our organization outraged, as well as many of the other groups that work so strenuously to understand our bipedal brethren.

The paunchy, fuzzy, gaping costume beside the vehicle is nothing less than an anatomical abomination. The vacant expression and insipid, toothless grin are a lie. Do you really want vehicles to sell because of a shameful misrepresentation? Your bromidic marketing scheme has emasculated a noble creature down to a gaping, adipose shell of itself.

We feel that a reparative, restitutional approach is the best means for you to show your commitment to avoiding this type of offense in the future. We are attaching an appropriately expressive, and anatomically correct, rendering of the Himalayan Yeti for you to use in the future.

On behalf of the Yeti, we hereby demand that all of your “Yeti” vehicles be recalled, and their hood emblem replaced with an ornament adhering to the specifications of the graphic we have attached. We also request a written apology to the public, to be displayed for one year on your company website. Likewise, we strongly urge  your marketing directors to submit themselves to an extensive “Cryptid Sensitivity” training regimen. Obviously this is just a push toward deeper levels of reconciliation that you will doubtless want to pursue with the cryptozoological research community.

Until these changes take place, we are forced withhold the endorsement and patronage your vehicle would otherwise receive from our organization. When you take these steps, the healing can begin. As part of our “bridges not walls” commitment to corporate partnerships, we would be willing to accept however many of the updated Yeti vehicles you choose to donate to our motor pool.

In Freedom from Fear,

The Beer Yeti

Video provided to The Beer Yeti demonstrating North Korean post-substantive, socio-political leadership schema

It is safe to say that our staff is reeling from the enthusiasm and support shown by the many people who have embraced the paradigm shifting potential of The Beer Yeti’s “post-credential” educational model. Our demand for liberation focused, cryptozoology curricula to be included at university level instruction was hardly posted when the messages of praise and solidarity started coming in. Certainly the support from some quarters has been unexpected ( to say the least), but our top organizational directors are firmly committed to subjecting personal political philosophies for the advancement of freedom for the Yeti, Sasquatch, and their lesser known relations.

North Korea has been especially enthusiastic in their embracing of an educational approach that espouses non-diagnostic, non-normative, benchmark-free assessment. From our  in-depth research via Wikipedia, it seems that this peninsular pariah has been blazing trails in that department for quite some time. Obviously their “research” is still shackled to more western, post-enlightenment conventions than The Beer Yeti would ever make use of in our organizational research, but the country’s consistent refusal of empirically-based decision making is impressive. While the legal implications of supplying their national university system with Cryptozoological Science curricula are something that our legal department must ponder, we are none the less flattered that our little announcement has made such impressive headway.

The Beer Yeti moves the Korean Peninsula outside the box

The Beer Yeti’s Post-Credential Educational Model casts a large shadow over convention-bound academia

Every day, thousands of schools, corporations, and charitable fill news wires with announcements and news releases.

Some stories get more “legs” than others, and The Beer Yeti is pleased to announce that our own humble appeal for inclusion has been such a story.

Last week The Beer Yeti’s team of distinguished crypto-liberation scientists announced their intent to establish a new curriculum by which everyday citizens could gain access to higher education in the “post-empirical” field of hidden animal studies.

Unveiling the primarily experiential, crypto-freedom educational-perspective-facilitation “system” was just one step forward in a decades-long journey toward our pan-disciplinary vision: a “post-credential” academic model of university instruction.

An elite cadre of Beer Yeti fellows, adjunct scholars, and high-level advisors laid out their plan for an assessment model that is strictly non-normative, non-diagnostic and liberated from the crippling benchmark standards that have come to define so-called traditional western academic instruction.

They frankly predicted that powerful public figures from (archaic) classroom-styled colleges and universities would respond with a reactionary mixture of disdain and anger.

What our researchers failed to account for was the groundswell of heartfelt support from other liked-minded truth seekers who pursue similar –even complementary– paths toward pan-disciplinary, post-content meta-science.
Experts from The Beer Yeti, long acknowledged to be preeminent in their understanding of Yeti, Sasquatch, and their lesser known relations, have been deeply moved by all the pledges of support, and offers of assistance in the development and administration of the new degree program. As we have previously stated, our proposed curriculum would contribute toward a degree equivalent. Limiting the instructional quality and experiential wisdom to a contrived definition like “degree” would do us all a disservice.

Activists have come out of some very unexpected woodwork, without invitation or prodding, to communicate support and encouragement for The Beer Yeti’s blazing a new trail in academia. Among the most wildly enthusiastic have been post-Reichian Orgone theorists, neo-quantum Odic force botanists, applied Phrenologists, and Sheldrake inspired Morphic Field researchers. Color us impressed!

Perhaps even more astounding has been the- strictly collegial- contact that has been initiated by leaders from the Movement for the Self-Determination of Bioko Island, the Maasina Ruru Defacto Government in Exile, Partido Africano da Independência da Guiné e Cabo Verde, and even the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

Naturally, the status quo academic establishment has leveled speculative charges about the supposed reliance on “vague and untestable claims,” the “over-reliance on confirmation rather than refutation,” and the so-called “lack of openness to testing by other experts.”

These are clearly ad hominem straw men arguments, which instantly crumble under the weight of their own post-intellectual absurdity. What we have long stated, is that often our testing methods our too paralyzingly technical to throw out on our blog.

Let’s be honest, keyboards would not provide an effective mechanism for us to put these calculations up if we wanted to. We beg our convention-bound competitors to consider that if we started handing out our methods, then we would hardly have the crypto-liberation, meta-research market cornered would we? If Harvard or Vanderbilt started up centers for crypto-liberation investigation, it would really put our grant writers between a rock and a hard place.
We are as excited as many of you are, and look forward to seeing where this new initiative will take us!