Archive for October, 2008

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The Yeti and Water

October 29, 2008

We have no way of knowing, but it is undoubtedly true that a multitude of Himalayan wanderers have regretted their assumption that Yetis are afraid of water.

Laughable and unscientific mistake!

Only good taste keeps us from actually laughing, as most of the people who have made this error are dead or “missing.”

A wealth of field reports and peer review studies irrefutably show that the noble Yeti has quite an affinity for water. Why not? The Himalayan Yeti lives surrounded by water in all its liquid, solid, and semi-solid forms!

There is only one condition upon which a Yeti would shy away from water: if it were a rabid cat.

Since science has clearly spoken on the fact that Yetis are not rabid cats, and since there are probably only two or three wizards in the world capable of such a difficult transmogrification, everyone can unburden themselves of the hope that Yetis fear water.

Not to belabor this, but how would a Yeti get rabies anyway? Even the most hydrophobia-addled creature would have enough sense not to try to bite a Yeti. You don’t bite Yetis, they bite you!

Read the rest of this entry ?

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Return

October 27, 2008

Freshly returned from a series of lengthy field experiments, the staff at Beer Yeti will begin publishing the findings as soon possible. We report -with immense relief- that not one of our number was lost to Yeti attack during this particular trip.

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Japanese Researchers Narrowly Escape Yeti

October 20, 2008

It appears a team of Japanese researchers in Nepal managed to stumble across the trail of a Himalayan Yeti. That shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone with a basic grasp of Himalayan fauna. After all, what do we all know lives in the Himalayas?

The malevolent and unbelievably crafty Yeti.

This team found a Yeti footprint because the Yeti wanted them to.

Any expert will tell you that even though the Yeti does burn with the fires of unquenchable malice, he can occasionally feel a condescending respect towards those that respect him. Apparently he took the efforts of the Japanese team as a sort of tribute, and chose not to destroy them ( for the time being).

That footprint was both a reward and a warning.

The weight of scientific research in this area would indicate that, without a shadow of a doubt, the Yeti was waiting in ambush just meters from where the team found the print. Had they continued on the same path, the group would have certainly found increasingly fresh tracks leading to the mouth of a cave.

Unable to restrain themselves, the team would have crept into the cave, hope of a clear picture of the Yeti blinding them to imminent doom. Feverish with anticipation, the pounding of their own heartsĀ  would have been louder than the faint rumbling above them. The empty recesses of the cave would amplify the increasingly thunderous sound, and the team would slowly begin to realize the magnitude of their folly.

Before they could escape, the Yeti-induced avalanche would reach the mouth of the cave, drowning out their pleas for life with the furious roar of a million tons of snow and rock.

Let’s hope that this team will be moved by the reclusive creature’s recognition of their dedication, and heedĀ  his clear prohibition against further pursuit.

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BBC Outmaneuvered By Yeti

October 15, 2008

It seems that the biased and unaccountable media has once again jumped to kick aside an eyewitness to the reality of the Yeti.

In 2003, an Indian forester reported observing a lowland Yeti for three days in a row. Intrigued by the account, and hoping to pick up the trail of the crafty beast, another man went to the same spot nearly five years later to look for evidence. Interestingly enough, he recovered several unidentifiable hairs.

This week, BBC News gleefully reported that the hairs are actually the hairs of a Himalayan goral, not the Yeti.

What did anyone really expect? For the media to acknowledge that the Yeti stalks the jungles of India?

A little logic and science must be too much to ask for.

The overwhelming body of scientific research in this area quickly dispels any notion that a harmless goral wandered into the jungle and left several hairs there.

Experts would agree that this is undoubtedly the work of a Yeti covering his own tracks.

The scientific method reveals the following facts: The beast roamed out of his usual domains, and in so doing was spotted by the forester. Realizing that he had been discovered, the Yeti returned to his usual haunts deep in the mountains, hunted down a hapless goral, and then returned to lay out a false trail with the dead goat’s hair.

No researcher of any credibility could fail to see these connections.

No doubt qualified scientists tried to explain this to the BBC and were silenced.

There is one person in all this who refuses to be swayed from the truth: the forester-

“While these results are discouraging, it does not affect my firm conviction that there is a yeti-like creature out there,” he said. “It has been seen too often for it to be dismissed as nothing more than a myth.”

Sir, you couldn’t be more right, and we are all grateful for your commitment.

Of all people, that man knows how lucky he was to see the Yeti and live.

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Yeti Freedom

October 15, 2008

Ever taken the kids to the zoo and found yourself wondering why there wasn’t a Yeti?

You shouldn’t.

Yetis roam majestic and free, folks, they don’t get caged up like farm animals.

Plus, people don’t line up for the job of going out to round one up.

This isn’t like going out and tranquilizing some paunchy wildebeest; we’re talking about a creature with the strength of at least 10-12 yaks, the speed of something with a lot of speed, and night vision to boot. And lasers. Maybe not lasers.

Worst of all, the Yeti’s soul burns with unquenchable fires of rage and malice. This beast lives outside the judgments of other people. You don’t catch something like that. You run from it as fast as you can. At least you try to.

Rigorous scientific documentation of these matters shows that in any kind of race, over open or rocky ground, the Yeti is 100% guaranteed to run you down and tear you to doll rags.

That’s no hoax, that’s just good science!

The exception would be if you are a centaur. Because centaurs also have some pretty well documented sprinting ability. Read the rest of this entry ?