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Yeti Crab: The Face of Evil

November 11, 2008

yeti-crab

People fear what haunts the deep.

Certainly people fear the scourges of the shallows- namely small jellyfish and middle aged men in European swim wear- but nothing quite compares to the horror of something rising up from the unplumbed depths of the ocean to seize and drag you into the darkness.

It happens.

People are literally dragged into the depths by unnamed creatures on a regular basis, but few researchers have been able to ascertain the identity of these predators and live to report the findings.

For centuries seafarers have described all manner of loathsome, man-eating creatures, but not until 2005 did the unshakeable mandates of science confirm the existence of a beast more vile, evil, and rapacious than any rum-addled seaman could ever conceive of: The Yeti Crab.

Plagued by a remorseless lust for the lifeblood of other creatures, the Yeti Crab propels its gross, tick-like body up from the ravines and caverns on the ocean floor with furry claws grasping madly for prey. Once a victim is sensed by the Yeti Crab’s ultra-sensitive antennae, the creature closes in to let its death-dealing, hairy claws can crush the life out of the hapless victim.

Many wonder: does this foul decapod actually feed on humans?

Science emphatically declares “Yes!”

The sallow, bug-eyed fish living in the depths are poor fare for a system that thrives on hot blood and flesh.

Unscientific naysayers may point out that the Yeti Crab was discovered at an almost unbelievable depth, and that its  13 centimeter frame is hardly capable of dragging down a boat or crushing a walrus in its furry claws.

Logic quickly dispels this ill-thought out notion.

First, let us consider the range of the Yeti Crab: Logic dictates that just because the Yeti Crab was discovered lurking near hydrothermal vents in the South Pacific, it is not necessarily restricted to that locale. After all, what were the researchers doing there? They were at the hydrothermal vents too, and no one is claiming that’s the only place they can live!

Dedicated researchers have since discovered that the Yeti Crab has a range of approximately everywhere.

Just because these amateurish scribes of ocean life think the Yeti Crab is a pitiful 13 centimeters long doesn’t mean that is the demon crab’s full stature! Any scientist of insight would instantly recognize that the Yeti Crab specimen the researchers discovered was newly hatched, probably only a day or two out of the egg. Clearly the hydrothermal vent serves to incubate and warm the unhatched young- tasks abdicated by the cold-hearted mother.

After half a century of gorging itself relentlessly on living prey, the Yeti Crab can bloat out to 5 meters in length, and ponderous weight. It’s safe to say that had these men come upon a full grown Yeti Crab, no submersible would have returned to carry news of the discovery to the world.

Hopefully this documentation will provide insight for our readers into the evil that stalks the deep, and likewise provide an explanation of why The Beer Yeti staff has not taken a sea-side vacation since the Yeti Crab’s discovery in 2005.

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6 comments

  1. That specimen does look like a tick! Hopefully your staff will keep bringing us these updates as you find them. We depend on them for our safety.


  2. HV,

    We don’t do this for the fun of it. The research at The Beer Yeti is published as part of our duty to science, and the safety of our friends and neighbors. You can rest assured that members of our staff are researching around the clock to bring you all the information denied you in…other…media outlets.
    Unfortunately,several recent attempts to unmask our anonymous scientists and field staff have forced us to move our offices and laboratory to a new, even more inaccessible location. A few necessary changes have been made in the security department ( the Minotaur was laid off) and we look forward to pressing forward with our work. Until the transition to our new facility is complete, our publications will be somewhat sporadic. We appreciate the support!

    The Beer Yeti


  3. Take whatever precautions necessary to maintain the secret identities of your team! Your work must go on!


  4. Is there any video or photo footage of the Yeti Crab attacking anyone? What about references in literature ( similar to a whale, shark, Kraken, giant squid)?


  5. I have the feeling that any and all Yeti Crab footage would be of the “Dude, nothing better than ultimate on the beach, am I right? What the hell is— (camera goes dark, screams)” variety.

    As such, I’m afraid that it would all quickly be discounted as some sort of spring break Blair Witch knockoff (never mind the disappeared frisbee players; they’re a dime a dozen, and would be missed less than the frisbee itself).

    PS—I had no idea that your institution was under such intense and sinister scrutiny. It stands to reason, I suppose—the establishment has no love for a creature that embodies freedom and personal strength so thoroughly as the Yeti.


  6. hi



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