Archive for December, 2008


Scientific Community Astounded by Shape-Shifting Were-Squatch

December 31, 2008


UPDATE: Shape-shifters may be headed for the big screen!

If Mitt Romney actually is a shape-shifting were-Squatch, the staff at The Beer Yeti is unaware. We just wanted to protect the identity of the real Shape-shifting were-Squatch from villainous, “self-described” Sasquatch hunter Larry Sommerfield. The scientific chart posted above will be published with our upcoming white paper on the recent were-Squatch discovery.

For weeks now scientists have been working around the clock at The Beer Yeti research facility to dig to the bottom of the recent “sighting” of a 20 inch Sasquatch footprint by two men in British Columbia. Across the world speculators have wondered why a Sasquatch would leave evidence of his passing to the two men. Even our veteran staff made the mistake of assuming the the Sasquatch was leaving some kind of warning.

We could not have been more wrong.

As we have posted before, the truth of the situation is far more shocking.

Before we put down our findings, we urge our readers to consider the details of the original sighting of the footprint.

The two men claimed to have discovered the print while walking around their house at 9:30 in the evening. Additionally, the print was found near the path to the woodshed. To the inexpert eye this may appear as an inconsequential side note to the greater story of the print itself. However, it was seizing on, and correctly interpreting, these facts that enabled our researchers to conduct our battery of tests and calculations with such success.

No real Sasquatch wandered by the cabin of the two men. Lest you think we intend to suggest that someone perpetrated a simple hoax with a wooden cutout of a Sasquatch print; we do not. One of the men did indeed make the print, but it was with his real foot, and not a wooden cut out.

The truth: As darkness fell on the woods of British Columbia, a horrifying transformation took place within the cabin. A man fell to the floor writhing. Within seconds he exploded in size, limbs lengthening and tearing through his clothes. Long, matted hair curled out from his body, and brutal fangs lengthened in his jaws.With a roar he sprang toward his unfortunate companion, ravening jaws agape and slavering… Read the rest of this entry ?


World-Shaking Analysis of Mormon Sasquatch Sighting To Be Released

December 12, 2008

After hours of seclusion in our secret lab facilities, the Beer Yeti Research Team is ready to release a discovery that will shake the scientific world to its very core. After reporting on the story of two Mormon missionaries who found a Sasquatch footprint outside their British Columbia home, our team of scientists vowed to reach the bottom of the mystery. Why did the Sasquatch reveal himself to these to men? The answers are bone-chilling. Even the Vietnamese Traditional Medicine guy in our health and wellness facility thought so! The data will be posted as soon as possible.


Mormons escape brush with Sasquatch

December 11, 2008


UPDATE: Shape-shifters may harness Twilight popularity to enter popular culture!

Many thanks to celebrated researcher JGordon for making sure that our staff  got the following information.

According to Houston-Today.Com, two Mormon missionaries living in British Columbia discovered a set of Sasquatch footprints outside of their home.The news of a cryptid revealing itself to emissaries of the Mormon church was sensational enough to merit coverage in a few newspapers, but researchers across the globe are pondering the deeper implications of the Sasquatch “sighting.”

Unfortunately for these researchers, the article does not relate key details about how the footprints were actually found. Even our least keen staff members ( namely Janet in accounting and the pest control team) were quick to see that valuable information has been neglected and ignored by the interviewers of the two men.

For instance, we know that the men first noticed the 20 inch print at 9:30 at night near the path leading to their woodshed. Why were they going to the woodshed? Did one of them trip in the trough-sized print? Did the light from their lantern illuminate the find? It is crucial that even the smallest details-such as what type of light they were using- be brought out. Torchlight or lantern? These clues make all the difference. Each one of these pieces can be used by experts to weave together a better understanding of what the Sasquatch wanted, and -more importantly- why he didn’t attack the Mormons. Of course this data assessment process is very laborious and technical, so we will probably not reprint it all here.

What we can say with finality is that these men narrowly escaped with their lives. Had they stepped outside to go to the woodshed and met the beast, they would have been undoubtedly been subjected to the creature’s simian onslaught.

Does this claim seem far fetched? Only if you lack a basic understanding of who and what a Sasquatch is.

In some ways the Sasquatch is a more degraded beast than its relative the Himalayan Yeti ( a scientific fact which will be expounded on another time), but they both have the same heart that burns with hatred for anything that infringes on freedom. Tales about the kind and gentle heart of the Sasquatch are drivel. It is a physical, and even metaphysical, impossibility for a Sasquatch or Yeti to see a human being and not erupt into an inferno of hate. This is not a reaction reserved only for humans; it applies to all Yeti-folk interactions. Other creatures can only ever be a reminder that freedom is fleeting. Because of this, the Sasquatch can not look at another creature without blinding malice and sorrow.

Are these creatures kind toward one another? Science has not spoken on this. Read the rest of this entry ?