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Economic Implications of Polish Yeti Sighting

September 2, 2009

Yeti sightings are a good thing ( if you live through it), and are generally greeted with enthusiasm by researchers at The Beer Yeti. Of late, disconcerting events in Poland have cast a pall of gloom over our entire compound.

According to Justyna Folger, a self described “19 year old Polish woman”, a skulking Yeti spent  minutes leering at her as she splashed around in a bikini. Whilst said Yeti skulked and leered, her boyfriend caught the beast in a grainy video, which has since had over 200,000 hits on YouTube.

This alleged Yeti behavior has raised serious problems for the crypto-research community, and a mad race has begun in labs across the globe to put meaning to the interaction. Save yourselves the trouble and expense, people. The Beer Yeti has weighed this case, and found it wanting.

What should be obvious to even the most neophyte cryptozoologist is that this breaks the pattern of typical Yeti “sightings,” as it involves Poland, and a bikini ( do they even have those in the Himalayas?). What is sadly typical is the coarse manner in which the drive-by media has embraced the most juvenile possibilities of the sighting.

The Yeti is majestic and aloof, not to be treated like a cameo character on Family Guy.

The Yeti has never displayed anything but a desire to avoid any and all contact with humanity. When avoidance has been impossible, human intruders have felt the devastating wrath of Yeti Justice. Science has spoken conclusively on this, and the fact that we have to reiterate this basic scientific fact shows the sad under-education of this generation. Had this woman happened upon a Yeti, neither she nor her voyeur boyfriend would have survived to report on it. Of course this would never happen in the first place. You don’t “happen” on a Yeti. A Yeti happens to you, and only once. The hasty attribution of human foible  like lust and loneliness to a beast that has never demonstrated either, and is scientifically incapable of them, shows that something is very, very wrong with the scenario presented by the Polish sunbathers. One “news” source in the U.K. went so far as to report the incident as “Bikini girl: pervert yeti stalked me.” Even now ‘The Beer Yeti Legal Advisory Council for the Defense and Liberation of Cryptids’ ( ‘TBYLACDLC’ on our business cards) is drawing up the paperwork to pursue legal action against these libelous allegations.

So what actually happened? Admittedly, our first reaction was to order “first available” tickets to Poland to delve further into the habits of the first ever Polish Yeti, or “Yollock.” That bubble was burst far too speedily.

No real Yeti came wandering down out of the rocks to ogle bathing Poles. After a series of paralyzingly technical computations and first order logical deductions, The Beer Yeti is sad to announce that this is not even a light-hearted ruse.

Poland is widely considered to have an economy ripe for growth and foreign investment. With the exception of some struggles with the agricultural aspect of the economy, wide-scale privatization of state-owned companies has tremendously benefited the nation. Other European nations have leapt to pour investments into a country that has every prospect of continuing its economic climb. One neighbor has invested itself more than any other in Poland’s fiscal ascendency. Germany is hands-down Poland’s biggest, most influential trading partner.

How does a beast with absolute disinterest in human engagement play into the larger scheme of Poland’s economy? Let The Beer Yeti lay some truth on you.

In times of massive crisis, people are much more inclined to surrender the responsibility for their well-being into the hands of those with the power to protect their peace of mind. A manufactured national panic over “aggressive Yeti behavior” would soon have the populace begging for someone to step in and ensure that their families are kept safe. Naturally, a powerful trading partner with close ties to the highest levels of the Polish government would be willing to lend all of its resources to keep its allies safe. First the promise of protection, then anti-swimwear statutes, finally total economic control. The application of this cold logic is terrifying.While the nation unleashes a furor of ignorant fear on their perceived cryptid threat, economic power will be gobbled up by the very people who manufactured the crisis. Somewhere, a corporate henchman is sitting by a Yeti costume drinking a schnapps and biding his time. Our bet is that sunbathing “Justyna Folger” has close ties to some of Poland’s most significant foreign investors.

Their is one other- slightly less probable- scenario, but it involves teleportation, and we are trying to avoid speculation.

Hopefully, the Polish government will heed our research and refuse to become embroiled in an anti-cryptid movement that could be their undoing.

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7 comments

  1. Whoa! That’s a lot of truth to be throwing around, but I think you’ve got a point. Indeed, the very premise is faulty—why the fudge would a real yeti be even remotely interested some Polish “woman,” bikini or no. I don’t spend a lot of time ogling earthworms, but I will step on them if they get in my way. I think the same relationship applies to yetis and Polish broads.

    I don’t mean to be cruel about it, but I used to work with a Polish lady, and while she could talk a mean game about Catholicism, grandchildren, and latkes, the less said about bikinis with regards to her, the better.

    If a foreign government really wanted to start a Polish crypto-scare, they should have just netted a netted some lady with a low-flying jet. As I understand it, aircraft are new enough to Poland that it’s more than likely that the incident would have been considered a dragon attack. But nope, they had to try the yeti angle. One only hopes that it will come back to bite them. (Literally.)


  2. Don’t hate man! Have you checked out the Polish metal band Unsun?

    Hold on…it just occurred to me they might be in on this plot!


  3. Yeah, my bad. I tend to make broad national generalizations based on the many grandmothers I meet.


  4. Ummm, definitely no speculation going on. Germany is big partner, therefore Germany is fabricating a plot against yetis so it can seize control of Poland? Someone contact the UN on the big red phone!
    You should look into the teleportation angle.


  5. Germany doesn’t exactly have the best historic track record with fabricating problems with Poland…just sayin.

    So this girl’s boyfriend just happened to be hanging out with a video camera watching her? Weird man. Weird.


  6. I’ve been watching news feeds from Poland, and there has not been a takeover yet. It looks like your insights have gotten the message out, and the Polish government has taken the proper steps. Thank goodness you stepped in, Beer Yeti.


  7. We haven’t received any official correspondence confirming your thoughts, but we have every reason to believe that our analysis prevented a national disaster. Thanks for checking in.

    TBY



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