Archive for November, 2009

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Beer Yeti Eyes Twilight Movie Success

November 30, 2009

The Beer Yeti starts work on film script

As troubling as it is to see Yeti awareness eclipsed by the movie Twilight, this phenomenon is a wake up call to the many cryptozoologists whose efforts have previously reached only the elusive “Unemployed, White Male with Interest in Dungeons & Dragons” demographic.

The masses are completely enthralled by the vapid and contrived story of forbidden love betwixt a powerful, brooding vampire, and a weak, brooding girl.

What does all this say about our society? Easy. “People love cryptids.”

Think about this. If legions of people are willing to unlimber their wallets to watch a conflicted vampire run around climbing trees and playing baseball, imagine the cinematic effect of the unrestrained physical and emotional power of the Yeti?

Before us is the opportunity to hurtle the Yeti into the social prominence his attributes and habits merit, unlike Twilight, which draws attention to the overdressed and insipid creatures intent on undermining every good and decent portrayal of a vampire since Nosferatu.

If this bad film is making bank, the possibilities for a well-done film with the same themes are endless.

The Beer Yeti has taken steps to begin production of a film series showcasing actual spontaneous romance, and a truly sinister and compelling love interest.

Obviously a Yeti would be the most sinister and compelling love interest ever. Primarily because they eternally burn with unquenchable hate, and feel no emotions akin to love for anything but their own freedom.

Consider a few key characteristics of Edward Cullen ( the vampire love interest in Twilight) as compared to the Yeti.

Edward Cullen:

  • voyeuristic wanker
  • attends high school when he doesn’t have to
  • doesn’t drive an American made car (hates freedom)
  • crippled by self-loathing, but still manages to do all that work to his hair
  • wastes post-natural physical development (football team could have used him)
  • condescending toward local Native American inhabitants (racist)
  • handsome

The Yeti:

  • Compelled only by freedom
  • Physical strength of roughly 10 to 12 Yaks
  • Unparalleled cunning
  • Perfectly attuned to natural environment
  • Equitably hates all races and cultures
  • Lacks characteristics Western Culture would consider to be physically appealing

That said, The Beer Yeti is bending all the creative power of our staff toward the development of a script for  our “Crypto-Romance” series. Read the rest of this entry ?

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Josh Gates Spared by Yeti

November 23, 2009

Josh Gates’ Cryptozoological Clouseauian Capers Continue

In the past we have been rather hard on Josh Gates. Truth be told, we have probably been even harder on him than his televised series of blind speculation merits.

Getting paid to wander around the globe with a “team of truth seekers” investigating oral traditions from semi-literate tribesmen isn’t a bad gig, and far be it from us to hold it against the guy for running with the opportunity.

In fact,  we recently required several members of the research staff to  watch Destination Truth: The Bhutan Yeti in its entirety.

Now, it appears that Gates and his merry band of may have struck upon something neither he or his producers actually expected: scientific evidence of the creature they seek.

It can  be assumed that whoever is funding Gates’ nocturnal romps with the night vision camera is alternately dumbfounded and elated. Read the rest of this entry ?