Beer Yeti Eyes Twilight Movie Success

November 30, 2009

The Beer Yeti starts work on film script

As troubling as it is to see Yeti awareness eclipsed by the movie Twilight, this phenomenon is a wake up call to the many cryptozoologists whose efforts have previously reached only the elusive “Unemployed, White Male with Interest in Dungeons & Dragons” demographic.

The masses are completely enthralled by the vapid and contrived story of forbidden love betwixt a powerful, brooding vampire, and a weak, brooding girl.

What does all this say about our society? Easy. “People love cryptids.”

Think about this. If legions of people are willing to unlimber their wallets to watch a conflicted vampire run around climbing trees and playing baseball, imagine the cinematic effect of the unrestrained physical and emotional power of the Yeti?

Before us is the opportunity to hurtle the Yeti into the social prominence his attributes and habits merit, unlike Twilight, which draws attention to the overdressed and insipid creatures intent on undermining every good and decent portrayal of a vampire since Nosferatu.

If this bad film is making bank, the possibilities for a well-done film with the same themes are endless.

The Beer Yeti has taken steps to begin production of a film series showcasing actual spontaneous romance, and a truly sinister and compelling love interest.

Obviously a Yeti would be the most sinister and compelling love interest ever. Primarily because they eternally burn with unquenchable hate, and feel no emotions akin to love for anything but their own freedom.

Consider a few key characteristics of Edward Cullen ( the vampire love interest in Twilight) as compared to the Yeti.

Edward Cullen:

  • voyeuristic wanker
  • attends high school when he doesn’t have to
  • doesn’t drive an American made car (hates freedom)
  • crippled by self-loathing, but still manages to do all that work to his hair
  • wastes post-natural physical development (football team could have used him)
  • condescending toward local Native American inhabitants (racist)
  • handsome

The Yeti:

  • Compelled only by freedom
  • Physical strength of roughly 10 to 12 Yaks
  • Unparalleled cunning
  • Perfectly attuned to natural environment
  • Equitably hates all races and cultures
  • Lacks characteristics Western Culture would consider to be physically appealing

That said, The Beer Yeti is bending all the creative power of our staff toward the development of a script for  our “Crypto-Romance” series.

The obvious problem presented to us is how to create a sympathetic love interest out of an ugly, unfeeling and malevolent beast that devours people?

Gary in Accounting pointed out the availability of shape shifting to our script writers. The integrity of the Yeti can be maintained, without the absolute absence of aesthetically pleasing characters and an emotional component to the plot. Plus, unlike Twilight’s vampires, shape-shifters are real.

From the fertile soil of the staff meeting sprung up the idea of-

Primeval Hearts

“Hounded by loneliness and rage, Raoul Derelicht stalked the uninhabited valleys of the Himalayas.

The transformations were getting harder to control. He remembered that night so many years ago, when the first shape shift had forever ended his life of idle wealth in Vienna. That night the rage and untamed strength had subsided in a blood spattered alley, and Raoul knew his family would never be safe as long as he was a Were-Yeti. It had been two years since he had seen a human face.

Two long years of isolation and savage subsistence among the other beasts. Hardships in the mountains had bronzed and hardened his Adonis-like features, and his unkempt mane swept down to his waist. Constant training with his Plasma Battle Mallet had packed on gratuitous amounts of lean muscle.

Raoul first saw Mei Ling when the opium dealer’s cargo shuttle crash landed in a ravine a mile below his lair. He had scoured the mountains of its outlaw inhabitants in the first three months living there. Now he was finally alone.

Then the smugglers came.

Raoul first saw Mei Ling when the smuggling shuttle crash landed in the ravine a mile below his lair…

We don’t want to give away the entire plot of the movie, but you can rest assured that the Were Yeti is no house-trained vampire. A lot of  Yeti justice and ass kicking is going to be doled out with the protagonist’s Plasma Battle Mallet, easily the most bad-ass weapon that science has never produced.

Obviously, the best actor for this role is Dolph Lundgren, but…

We would be willing to consider Robert Pattinson ( of Twilight) for the role of Raoul Derelicht. Instead of prancing around to a script that reads like a 14 year old’s diary, Pattinson would have the dreamed of opportunity to star as the greatest protagonist ever devised: a shape shifting Were-Yeti.

If Conan the Destroyer, Bond, the Yeti, moonshine and a bolt of lightning all melded into one, this would be the character of Raoul Derelicht that Pattinson could be playing.

This will be a the greatest moral choice, and greatest career opportunity of Pattinson’s life. We only hope he is able to rise to the challenge.

Or, with Dolph Lundgren



  1. I don’t know, people. Using the Twilight guy might ruin it for me. A were yeti is a serious role.

  2. Can loyal readers get early access to the film? My girlfriend made me watch twilight and it sucked. Now it is payback time! She has to go with me to watch a REAL movie. Primeval Hearts here we come

  3. The asian guy wearing glasses and holding a sword doesn’t look as intense as the rest of the movie “poster.” You should consider some kind of cyborg bad guy.

  4. Yetified,

    A lot of people don’t look intense. Then you find out they know kung fu.

    -The Beer Yeti

  5. This would be a game changer for Dolph Lundgren.
    Only something as an intense as a YETI can salvage Lundgren’s carrer from the dismal depths of “Missionary Man.”
    Nothing can be done about the unscrubed masses and their pleas for Twilight and other such swill – look to the YETI for wisdom, he certainly cares not about the whims of the mob.

  6. Looks solid. I would definitely pay to see a cryptid romance done right, and you guys have a lot of good ideas. I even have to say the idea of Pattinson as lead is inspired– he’s as disgusted with the movies as the rest of us, with the added guilt of making grotesque amounts of cash from the very thing he hates and mocks. And when Primeval Hearts dominates the top spot for weeks on end, everyone will share in the vindication.

    I do, however, second Yetified’s suggestion. No matter how badass the idea is, the addition of cyborg enemies can only make it more badass.

  7. Mei Ling better have some sweet powers. How elese could a wereYeti respect her enough to love her?

  8. I think that you’ve got to get Dolph for this role, I highly doubt that Pattison would be able to bulk up to even half the size of a Were-Yeti. Dolph has proved that he’s badass all that Pattison has proved is that he can make 13 year old girls and 40 year divorcees swoon. The last thing that you want is a good movie to be discredited because you’ve got a girly-man in the role of the Were-Yeti

  9. We have nothing but respect for Dolph. Lee, as you pointed out, his ability to pack on muscle eclipses Pattinson’s for sure. Our organizational concern is that he may be of an age that would hinder female viewers from appropriately identifying with him as the protagonist/love interest. Thus, we suggested Pattinson redeem himself through this “role to end all roles.” That may not work out, as his agents have been slack in responding to our communiques. We will continue our search, and appreciate any and all suggestions you may have.

    Mei Ling will definitely have some sweet powers.

    -The Beer Yeti

  10. thats a good point. I’m just disturbed that on the movie poster Pattisons face is clearly photoshoped onto Schwarzenegger’s body, while such efforts are not needed for Dolph.

    As for other actors, would Jason Statham be too rediculous, or what about the guy from Mongol

    What kind of actor are you looking for American, European, Asian?

  11. I thought the excerpt says that the Yeti is from Vienna. I guess he could still look Asian, but maybe that wouldn’t fit. I know the BY wouldn’t want anything to be unrealistic!

    I’m just surprised no one has suggested Daniel Craig. His Bond films would quickly fade into the background when he becomes the Were Yeti

  12. Great suggestion, I too think Danial Craig would be a perfect fit

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