High road or low: Which will Sam Raimi take?

“Ok Yeti, say hello to the 21st Century!”

The announcement that director Sam Raimi ( “Army of Darkness,” “Spiderman”) will be producing the Yeti-centric film “Refuge,” caused quite a stir around The Beer Yeti research compound. Some of our crypto-liberation researchers have welcomed the news, others ( namely Rick in accounting) remain deeply skeptical that the producer will give the legendary beast its due respect.

According to Reuters, the film “centers on a remote town terrorized by a Yeti, the mythological creature native to the mountains of the Himalayas.”

Aside from  sloppy reporting by Reuters ( “mythological”), this sounds like a film our organization-nay the entire crypto-liberation movement- could rall behind.

We realize that the previous sentence could be disconcerting to some of our  co-activists in the fight against cryptid exploitation. How could the staunchest defender of Yeti dignity stoop to endorse silver screen objectification?

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Beer Yeti Calls for Home Depot Boycott

The Home Depot, America’s favorite home and garden superstore, appears to be running a sale on exploitation and degradation.

While searching the The Home Depot website for some decorative sidewalk pavers, a member of our maintenance department came across one of the most grossly exploitative caricatures we have encountered. Though somewhat hardened by years of fighting in the Crypto-Liberation trenches, this humiliating objectification of the Himalayan Yeti brought tears of outrage to the eyes of more than one Beer Yeti staff member.

The revolting monument to corporate greed is styled “Bigfoot the Garden Yeti.”

Below is the open letter we are preparing to send to The Home Depot.

To the Home Depot,

As figurehead for the Crypto-Liberation Movement, The Beer Yeti is compelled to vehemently condemn the base exploitation to which your organization has stooped.

Quite frankly, you have a fine operation. Our staff members frequent your stores, and have -up to this point- enjoyed the wide selection and good prices you provide.

That was before we realized that exploitation, shame and objectification were being stocked along with the lawn fertilizer and home appliances.

Specifically, your web site makes available for sale a small garden statue styled “Bigfoot the Garden Yeti.”

We should not have to reprove individuals of your business acumen for such an oversight, but since we are going to anyway, here it goes.

Have any of you ever heard of a “Bigfoot Yeti?”

You haven’t, because there is no such thing. Had you reached out the knowledgeable designers, you would be aware that “Yeti” and “Bigfoot” are not interchangeable sobriquets for the same creature. These are two very distinct species, and have completely different features and habits. To meld two completely different crypto bi-peds into one grotesque garden statue is unthinkably offensive.

How offensive, you ask? Well, we looked around your site and noticed you didn’t have any lawn statues named “Chief Sitting Bull the Garden Ghandi.”  Why not? They are both “Indian” after all!  It isn’t as if speculative, deeply offensive statues are something you are not willing to market.

We don’t know what you were thinking when you decided to run this misbegotten item, but you obviously were not considering the pain it would cause to the cryptozoological research community.

At present, our well known position on Corporate Crypto-Exploitation mandates that we immediately boycott your chain of stores. We regret the damage done to your business in these troubling economic climes, but urge you to think of the more-than-monetary damage you have wrought through this degrading garden statue. Likewise, The Beer Yeti calls on the greater cryptozoological research community to join our boycott of your stores.

The boycott begins today, and will be called off only when the following reparative actions have been taken:

1.) All remaining “Bigfoot the Garden Yeti” statues must be ground down and re-shaped into a 20′ Yeti monument ( matching the anatomical specifications we send you) to stand in front of the Home Depot Corporate Headquarters.

2.) A general recall of all “Bigfoot the Garden Yeti” statues must be issued with an apology, and the offer of crypto-sensitivity training to be paid for by Home Depot.

3.) The hiring of a Crypto-Rights/Sensitivity Consultant to facilitate unity and appropriate artistic renderings in the future.

4.) An actions-based, organizational turn toward rebuilding bridges that have been burned with the greater cryptozoological research community.

5.) Funding a “Cryptid Awareness in Marketing” research and rehabilitation effort, to be conducted and implemented by The Beer Yeti.

6.) Six weeks of pro-Yeti, public service announcements to be run on major television networks.

Please view our current boycott, and these “demands,” as our hand extended to help you build bridges, not walls. Please take action immediately, and we will look forward to seeing you again at The Home Depot.

Sincerely,

The Beer Yeti

Economic Implications of Polish Yeti Sighting

Yeti sightings are a good thing ( if you live through it), and are generally greeted with enthusiasm by researchers at The Beer Yeti. Of late, disconcerting events in Poland have cast a pall of gloom over our entire compound.

According to Justyna Folger, a self described “19 year old Polish woman”, a skulking Yeti spent  minutes leering at her as she splashed around in a bikini. Whilst said Yeti skulked and leered, her boyfriend caught the beast in a grainy video, which has since had over 200,000 hits on YouTube.

This alleged Yeti behavior has raised serious problems for the crypto-research community, and a mad race has begun in labs across the globe to put meaning to the interaction. Save yourselves the trouble and expense, people. The Beer Yeti has weighed this case, and found it wanting.

What should be obvious to even the most neophyte cryptozoologist is that this breaks the pattern of typical Yeti “sightings,” as it involves Poland, and a bikini ( do they even have those in the Himalayas?). What is sadly typical is the coarse manner in which the drive-by media has embraced the most juvenile possibilities of the sighting.

The Yeti is majestic and aloof, not to be treated like a cameo character on Family Guy.

The Yeti has never displayed anything but a desire to avoid any and all contact with humanity. When avoidance has been impossible, human intruders have felt the devastating wrath of Yeti Justice. Science has spoken conclusively on this, and the fact that we have to reiterate this basic scientific fact shows the sad under-education of this generation. Had this woman happened upon a Yeti, neither she nor her voyeur boyfriend would have survived to report on it. Of course this would never happen in the first place. You don’t “happen” on a Yeti. A Yeti happens to you, and only once. The hasty attribution of human foible  like lust and loneliness to a beast that has never demonstrated either, and is scientifically incapable of them, shows that something is very, very wrong with the scenario presented by the Polish sunbathers. One “news” source in the U.K. went so far as to report the incident as “Bikini girl: pervert yeti stalked me.” Even now ‘The Beer Yeti Legal Advisory Council for the Defense and Liberation of Cryptids’ ( ‘TBYLACDLC’ on our business cards) is drawing up the paperwork to pursue legal action against these libelous allegations.

Beer Yeti’s Post-Credential Education Initiative Flooded With Praise

The Beer Yeti’s Post-Credential Educational Model casts a large shadow over convention-bound academia

Every day, thousands of schools, corporations, and charitable fill news wires with announcements and news releases.

Some stories get more “legs” than others, and The Beer Yeti is pleased to announce that our own humble appeal for inclusion has been such a story.

Last week The Beer Yeti’s team of distinguished crypto-liberation scientists announced their intent to establish a new curriculum by which everyday citizens could gain access to higher education in the “post-empirical” field of hidden animal studies.

Unveiling the primarily experiential, crypto-freedom educational-perspective-facilitation “system” was just one step forward in a decades-long journey toward our pan-disciplinary vision: a “post-credential” academic model of university instruction.

An elite cadre of Beer Yeti fellows, adjunct scholars, and high-level advisors laid out their plan for an assessment model that is strictly non-normative, non-diagnostic and liberated from the crippling benchmark standards that have come to define so-called traditional western academic instruction.

They frankly predicted that powerful public figures from (archaic) classroom-styled colleges and universities would respond with a reactionary mixture of disdain and anger.

What our researchers failed to account for was the groundswell of heartfelt support from other liked-minded truth seekers who pursue similar –even complementary– paths toward pan-disciplinary, post-content meta-science.
Experts from The Beer Yeti, long acknowledged to be preeminent in their understanding of Yeti, Sasquatch, and their lesser known relations, have been deeply moved by all the pledges of support, and offers of assistance in the development and administration of the new degree program. As we have previously stated, our proposed curriculum would contribute toward a degree equivalent. Limiting the instructional quality and experiential wisdom to a contrived definition like “degree” would do us all a disservice.

Activists have come out of some very unexpected woodwork, without invitation or prodding, to communicate support and encouragement for The Beer Yeti’s blazing a new trail in academia. Among the most wildly enthusiastic have been post-Reichian Orgone theorists, neo-quantum Odic force botanists, applied Phrenologists, and Sheldrake inspired Morphic Field researchers. Color us impressed!

Beer Yeti to Seek Inclusion in University Curricula

Get a degree from the universe

Research shows that, at one time or another, you have seriously considered obtaining a degree in cryptozoology.

Through very advanced, very secret, in-house polling techniques, The Beer Yeti has discovered that most of the greater Ural region, as well as significant portions of the United States population, have longed for accreditation in this science.

To the shame of western civilization, most “major” universities have neglected to offer programs of study specifically focused on the Yeti, Sasquatch, and their lesser known relations. Of course this has resulted in organizations like ours having to accept job applicants with training in more traditional fields ( biology, physics, fencing), and then relying on experienced veterans of our crypto-liberation efforts to give them the additional training they need to carry the torch forward.

Our primarily experiential, crypto-freedom educational process would certainly be difficult to mesh with the limiting academic structures that most colleges and universities adhere to, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be there.

For that matter, we believe that basic cryptozoological education should be introduced in the earliest levels of public education. We have all seen the result of not having this critical academic component.Not a good situation.

To remedy this, The Beer Yeti is volunteering to dedicate the time of several of our most experienced staff members to formulating a new university-level curriculum, with the hope of classroom introduction by the Fall 2010 semester