Archive for the ‘Foreign Crypto- Policy’ Category

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Yeti Concubines Ravage China

October 15, 2010

China is in a world of trouble, and it’s about time they were honest about it.

News of an expedition to seek out the notorious “Yeren” – or Chinese variant of the Yeti – has the greater cryptozoological research community on edge to see just what they come up with. This isn’t the first Chinese expedition to “discover” their local Yeti population. In the 70’s and 80’s the Chinese Academy of Science (which we assume is some kind of local kung fu association) carried out several completely fruitless searches. It’s really no wonder nothing turned up, as our own techniques and methods of Yeti discovery were not employed in any of these ventures.

Now, we said that China is in a world of trouble, and we mean to back up our statement with hard facts and scientific data.

According to this article, the region where Yeren (Yeti) are most frequently sighted also has something of a problem with peasant men being taken advantage of by female Yetis. I think we all can agree that’s not what you want on tourism brochures. “Ming Mysteries Resort: You could get violently used by a Yeti, but our pool area has recently been renovated!”

This from the previously-cited article-

“female members of the wild man species were supposed to have swept into villages in search of sexual partners, ravishing them as they lay paralysed in fear.”

Obviously these Yeti know exactly what they want. We would like to point out that this looks pretty bad for the local Yeti males. What do the Chinese peasant farmers have that a powerful Yeti male doesn’t? Science has yet to speak on this.

One peasant man had a particularly memorable experience – as opposed to the other Yeti assault victims for whom it was mundane.

“One peasant was asleep in his mountain forest hut when, according to an account in a 1983 edition of the Zhejiang Provincial Daily, a ‘wild woman’ with deep blue eyes burst through the door and proceeded to ravish him. “He was too frightened to call out, and was powerless to resist,” the paper reported, “the wild woman slept with him for several minutes and then left.”

While we generally have little time for the ribald humor of the perverts in our maintenance division, Doug did make a valid point during this morning’s sexual harassment workshop. To quote Doug, “Something wasn’t ‘paralyzed in fear’, if you know what I’m sayin'”. Nobody likes Doug, but yes, we do “get” what he’s saying. There are obviously many questions that still need to be answered, both by the Chinese peasant, and Doug to the behavioral inquiry board.

How long have Yeti been around? It’s been a while. During this time of existing, the stories of Yeti women running around giving Chinese men “the business” have been pretty few and far between. Something happened in the 70’s and 80’s to make these solitary beasts suddenly demand …well, you know.

Isn’t it obvious? Only one man in the world has the power and potency to engage in any level of consensual physical relationship with a Yeti. If you haven’t kept up this far, it’s obviously Kim Jong Il.

In seeking a mate worthy of his own virility and capability, Dear Leader was naturally led to the Yeti. It makes perfect sense. Two creatures of unparalleled perception and intensity joined in an explosive union among the wilderness crags.

They must have known he couldn’t stay forever. Korea needed his deft ruling touch to create the worker’s paradise it is today.

We won’t speculate on the details, but obviously something was awakened in the Chinese Yeti population that upset nature’s delicate balance. Having once elevated to post-quantifiable heights of satisfaction and fulfillment by Dear Leader, these Yeti were left to face the emptiness of life without his presence.

Unfortunately, these shells of what were proud and ravenous Yeti have been left to make do with the local population of Chinese peasants. Everyone seems to agree that the peasants are getting the short end of this stick.

It should be very clear that only the person who created this problem can put it to rest once and for all. Now that Dear Leader’s task of cultivating a cultural and humanitarian Shangri La has been accomplished, he must return to the Chinese wilderness to make things right with his former Yeti concubines.

The ball is in his court now. The Beer Yeti is joining the Chinese government ( we assume) in calling for Dear Leader to do what only he can.

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President Obama: Yeti Emissary?

December 8, 2009

In a recent diplomatic visit to the White House by Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, President Obama was invited to reciprocate with a visit to India.

On the surface this would appear to be a follow-up on the two leaders’ chat at the G-8+G-5 Summit, but political analysts at The Beer Yeti sense a more urgent issue inspiring the visit.

“There can be little doubt that the Yeti will be at the heart of any trips President Obama takes to India,” says the charming and handsome Beer Yeti Political Director (anonymity protected by The Beer Yeti’s non-disclosure policies).  “Pressure has been swelling in the greater cryptozoological research community to see these two nations unite in an effort to protect Yeti habitats, and also protect rural villagers from increasingly frequent Yeti attacks. It comes as a huge relief to our organization to see the President lending his credibility and influence to this great issue of our time.”

Some insiders will undoubtedly wonder how The Beer Yeti views the president’s short track record on cryptozoological outreach.

It is no easy task to consolidate all our concerns and compliments into one short statement on this site, but that is why we pay-and tolerate- a handsome and charming Beer Yeti Political Director.

“We try to be understanding in our presidential assessments. During President Obama’s campaign, we were deeply moved by the many tacit promises he made to further cryptozoological research and exploration. Few of these understood obligations have been made good since his election, but we look forward to him changing that with a trip to India. This could be just the boost in the polls his administration is looking for.”

As the universe’s foremost authority on the Yeti, it would seem to be necessary for the President to engage The Beer Yeti’s services in negotiating and administrating over any cryptid-focused government contracts that would result from such a trip. Our board unanimously agreed this morning that only our veteran staff would be fully capable of handling the intricacies of the international partnership.

Naturally, significant stimulus funds would be required to facilitate with the delicacy the situation requires.

We look forward to communicating to our readers the President’s official acknowledgment of the Yeti as the primary function of his announced trip the day it is announced.

Below is a rare photo of The Beer Yeti political director on expedition in Tibet. He is not allowed to wear the pith helmet around the office, so he overcompensates on research excursions.



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Afghanistan Policy Missing Key Ingredient

December 2, 2009

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U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates may or may not be an avid reader of The Beer Yeti.

We would assume that the level of policy analysis we offer would be critical for a man in his position, but it isn’t our style to self praise.

Gates recently made the following observation to a Senate committee.

“Rolling back the Taliban is now necessary even if not sufficient to the ultimate defeat of Al Qaeda. Failure in Afghanistan would mean a Taliban takeover of much if not most of the country and likely a renewed civil war.”

Secretary Gates has vocally supported President Obama in suggesting that 30,000 additional troops be sent in to protect Afghanistan from falling into the hands of the Afghans. According to the Defense Czar it is imperative that all necessary resources be dedicated to keeping this country from spiraling down into the  civil strife that they are so committed to avoiding.

The Beer Yeti’s own Foreign Policy Department is formulating a “counter-policy” that we feel will admirably meet the needs of everyone at the bargaining table. At first we concluded that our notoriously unruly “Crypto-Physics Department” would need 30,000 troops permanently stationed in their break room  to cut down on all the personal calls and on on-the-clock drinking. Then were made aware that Constitutional issues could potentially crop up with such a domestic troop deployment.

Regarding Afghanistan, The Beer Yeti is calling on Secretary Gates to deploy 30,000 troops immediately to Tibet. This troop strength may be on the low side, but a military unit of this size could potentially effect the location, tranquilization and transport of a Yeti to Afghanistan.

Operation Yeti Justice could then commence.

Once para-dropped into Tora Bora, the tranquilized Yeti would rip itself from the harness, and emotionally ignite into unchartable levels of rage and hate. Who do you think is going to be on the receiving end of that Yeti Justice? The Taliban.

Upon completion of the Yeti insertion, the US could withdraw all troops from Afghanistan with total peace of mind. It’s hard to plan terror when you are in terror because an affronted Yeti is at large in your country. Civil war would obviously be out of the question. It takes a nation united to defend against the insatiable hunger of the Yeti.

In no conceivable situation would the Founders (many of whom were dedicated cryptozoologists) consider allowing the extended involvement of US resources in Afghanistan to do the work of one Himalayan Yeti.

Hopefully Secretary Gates will be receptive to our policy insights, even if Karzai and his completely legitimate government structure may choose not to see all of the benefits.