Archive for the ‘Scientific Documentation’ Category

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The Search Continues

February 26, 2015

“The UNIVERSE LEADER in Yeti research must be gone because they didn’t update their WordPress site for years.” Read that out loud until you realize how ridiculous it sounds.

We don’t owe you anything by way of an explanation, but there are concerns about a grant application being rejected without “demonstrable evidence of public engagement.” There are a handful of reasons why we’ve been noticeably absent from the public media interface for our organization (this blog).

First, we exist to research that which has escaped and confounded the convention-bound scientific community, not give you something to read in between watching videos of fat people falling off water slides and filling out per diem forms. So forgive us if we tend to focus primarily on internally-peer reviewed and distributed academic journals. If you were in the right circles you would just know. But you’re not.

That includes you, Rick in Accounting. If the grant were contingent on you doing a terrible job on the employee newsletter, the motor pool would have been upgraded years ago. You’re an organizational albatross and need to retire. He’s been fired once already, but is back, thanks to a poorly-worded contract for which we all resent HR.

Second, we lost the WordPress password. That’s on us. We’ve gone through some staffing changes, as the last full-time writer threw his computer into the Beer Yeti Compound water cistern after IT asked him to send it over for routine maintenance. It’s really all been downhill from there on the PR front. Anyway, we’ve accessed the log in and password, and are back online.

There is data to be presented, prejudices to be drawn into the light (talking to you YETI coolers), and praise to be doled out where it is due. Give us that grant now.

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Yeti Concubines Ravage China

October 15, 2010

China is in a world of trouble, and it’s about time they were honest about it.

News of an expedition to seek out the notorious “Yeren” – or Chinese variant of the Yeti – has the greater cryptozoological research community on edge to see just what they come up with. This isn’t the first Chinese expedition to “discover” their local Yeti population. In the 70’s and 80’s the Chinese Academy of Science (which we assume is some kind of local kung fu association) carried out several completely fruitless searches. It’s really no wonder nothing turned up, as our own techniques and methods of Yeti discovery were not employed in any of these ventures.

Now, we said that China is in a world of trouble, and we mean to back up our statement with hard facts and scientific data.

According to this article, the region where Yeren (Yeti) are most frequently sighted also has something of a problem with peasant men being taken advantage of by female Yetis. I think we all can agree that’s not what you want on tourism brochures. “Ming Mysteries Resort: You could get violently used by a Yeti, but our pool area has recently been renovated!”

This from the previously-cited article-

“female members of the wild man species were supposed to have swept into villages in search of sexual partners, ravishing them as they lay paralysed in fear.”

Obviously these Yeti know exactly what they want. We would like to point out that this looks pretty bad for the local Yeti males. What do the Chinese peasant farmers have that a powerful Yeti male doesn’t? Science has yet to speak on this.

One peasant man had a particularly memorable experience – as opposed to the other Yeti assault victims for whom it was mundane.

“One peasant was asleep in his mountain forest hut when, according to an account in a 1983 edition of the Zhejiang Provincial Daily, a ‘wild woman’ with deep blue eyes burst through the door and proceeded to ravish him. “He was too frightened to call out, and was powerless to resist,” the paper reported, “the wild woman slept with him for several minutes and then left.”

While we generally have little time for the ribald humor of the perverts in our maintenance division, Doug did make a valid point during this morning’s sexual harassment workshop. To quote Doug, “Something wasn’t ‘paralyzed in fear’, if you know what I’m sayin'”. Nobody likes Doug, but yes, we do “get” what he’s saying. There are obviously many questions that still need to be answered, both by the Chinese peasant, and Doug to the behavioral inquiry board.

How long have Yeti been around? It’s been a while. During this time of existing, the stories of Yeti women running around giving Chinese men “the business” have been pretty few and far between. Something happened in the 70’s and 80’s to make these solitary beasts suddenly demand …well, you know.

Isn’t it obvious? Only one man in the world has the power and potency to engage in any level of consensual physical relationship with a Yeti. If you haven’t kept up this far, it’s obviously Kim Jong Il.

In seeking a mate worthy of his own virility and capability, Dear Leader was naturally led to the Yeti. It makes perfect sense. Two creatures of unparalleled perception and intensity joined in an explosive union among the wilderness crags.

They must have known he couldn’t stay forever. Korea needed his deft ruling touch to create the worker’s paradise it is today.

We won’t speculate on the details, but obviously something was awakened in the Chinese Yeti population that upset nature’s delicate balance. Having once elevated to post-quantifiable heights of satisfaction and fulfillment by Dear Leader, these Yeti were left to face the emptiness of life without his presence.

Unfortunately, these shells of what were proud and ravenous Yeti have been left to make do with the local population of Chinese peasants. Everyone seems to agree that the peasants are getting the short end of this stick.

It should be very clear that only the person who created this problem can put it to rest once and for all. Now that Dear Leader’s task of cultivating a cultural and humanitarian Shangri La has been accomplished, he must return to the Chinese wilderness to make things right with his former Yeti concubines.

The ball is in his court now. The Beer Yeti is joining the Chinese government ( we assume) in calling for Dear Leader to do what only he can.

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Australia Faces Werewolf Pandemic

December 15, 2009


Artist’s rendering of the Australian National Werewolf Defense Fort at Ayers Rock

Mad Max may exert an undo influence over our general perception of Australia, but recent scientific findings have confirmed that something about that place just isn’t right.

An adjunct, auxiliary, hourly-wage, part-time Beer Yeti apprentice just passed along a report that has most of our staff reevaluating Sydney as the right location for The Beer Yeti’s 2027 Staff Retreat.

A study published in the Australia Medical Journal announced that some people tend to exhibit “werewolf” like behaviors during the full moon.

According to the study, 91 patients in Calvary Mater Newcastle Hospital’s emergency room displayed “violent and acute behavioral disturbance.”  This included biting, scratching and spitting at staff members. Nearly 23% of these incidents occurred during the full moon.

One staff member reported that 66% of these subjects were under the influence of drugs and alcohol. The following is taken from her statement-

“It has been reported that the practice of rubbing magic ointment on the skin or inhaling vapor from a magic potion by an alleged werewolf induces metamorphosis.  Not surprisingly, the main ingredients of these ointments and potions were belladonna and nightshade, both of which can produce delirium, hallucinations and delusion of bodily metamorphosis.”

We want to get this right. It took advanced medical education, peer-reviewed medical journals, and large amounts of government funding to determine that some toxicology patients display violent behaviors during the full moon?

We asked our own Native American traditional healer for a statement on the situation, and she said, “Violent drug addicts attack hospital staff in the toxicology department, and they are trying to blame this on lunar cycles? This is completely coincidental, and a waste of the medical community’s time to speculate about.”

So exactly as we guessed right off, Australia is under sever threat of a werewolf pandemic.

All that training and money, and the Australian medical field is still struggling to understand what any cryptozoologist – or even alchemist – could have pointed out.

You know who displays “werewolf-like” behaviors during the full moon. Werewolves do.

If this hospital alone dealt with 91 cases of werewolves, we can only imagine that the worst is yet to come. It is time to declare national emergency, and deal with the werewolf onslaught before things get totally out of control.

In times like this, we generally have two “go to” strategies.

The first is always “What would Buffy Summers do?” and the second is “If Buffy did bite the dust by going with the first plan, how would Bruce Willis save our bacon?”

These protocols generally do not mesh well with fire drills.

The one clear solution is for Australia to fall back on the Swiss strategy of the “National Redoubt“, or in layman’s terms, “a big fort.” If anyone had to pick the perfect place to fend off a werewolf assault, it is unthinkable that they would choose any place but Uluru (Ayers Rock).

This massive rock formation in the middle of nowhere is just begging for a little tunneling and fortification.

The Aboriginal peoples might have some qualms about using the sacred rock as a werewolf fort, but that is only because they have never seen a werewolf pandemic. Government negotiators will have to hammer out the details, but eventually the question will have to be answered, “What sounds worse, breaking Dreamtime taboos, or getting eaten by a werewolf from Perth?”

Our very concise opinion would be that the Australian government begin immediate fortification of, and withdrawal to, Uluru in order to survive the coming werewolf war. Most likely the entire economy needs to be focused exclusively on preparation for this necessity. Our suggestion would be to put Steven Seagal and Dolph Lundgren in joint control of a more immediate “Werewolf Suppression Task Force.”

Of course the Australian government can also choose to mock us, and ignore our recommendations.

It’s no skin off The Beer Yeti’s back. We already have a werewolf fort.

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Sasquatch Sighting and Media Cover-up

December 3, 2009

Gulf Coast Bigfoot Research Organization infiltrated by shape-shifting Were Squatch

San Antonio law enforcement have been saddled with the unenviable task of trying to track down a “large, hairy creature” that was seen dragging a deer carcass into the woods.

After local authorities completed a predictably futile search,  a member of the Gulf Coast Bigfoot Research Organization (GCBRO) – came in to assess the situation. This cryptozoologist uncovered  non-human footprints, and there ended the media analysis. Local news stations report that GCBRO was aware of a number of sightings having been reported in the area over the last couple of years.

As a rule, we like localized Bigfoot Research Organizations of all shapes and sizes. Without the benefits of the facilities, equipment, experience, staff expertise, martial arts training and personal charm that The Beer Yeti enjoys, these local groups put themselves in the field – and in the line of Bigfoot attack –  to search out the elusive Sasquatch.

After completing a rigorous analysis of the case details, The Beer Yeti is ready to make some empirically grounded claims about the San Antonio Sasquatch.

Similar to the famous incident of the “Shape-shifting Mormon Were-Squatch” of British Columbia, we are dealing with a crafty beast, desperate to maintain freedom at all costs.

As many of you guessed right off, a Shape-shifter is the perpetrator of the sighting, and subsequent cover-up. Read the rest of this entry ?

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“Primeval Hearts” Update

December 1, 2009

Numerous readers have contacted us via email expressing discontent over Twilight star, Robert Pattinson, being considered for the upcoming Yeti epic “Primeval Hearts.”

We wholeheartedly agree that this actor would leave much to be desired as the Raoul Derelicht, a shapeshifting Were-Yeti who unleashes primal justice in the Himalayas, while winning the heart of Mei Ling. Consider our two fold motivation for potentially using Pattinson in the film:

1.) Personal redemption for him.

2.) Filthy lucre for us.

Many of you have been deeply curious about Mei Ling. We really can’t say any more about the her character without giving away the riveting end to the first film.

The following concept poster is an artist’s rendering of the final showdown in the film, but excludes both Dolph Lundgren and Robert Pattinson. We will continue searching for an actor who can capture the true vitality and compelling vigor of the Were-Yeti.

Another important creative decision has been made concerning the film’s name. After an elongated staff meeting this morning ( in which Gary from the motor pool acted exceptionally juvenile), The Beer Yeti’s creative directors have decided that the new film title will be “Primeval Heart: Yeti Justice,” to better reflect the imcomparability, ferocity and singularity of the Were-Yeti’s persona.

Please continue your feedback, as we have a long way to go before this picture explodes into popular awareness.

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Josh Gates Spared by Yeti

November 23, 2009

Josh Gates’ Cryptozoological Clouseauian Capers Continue

In the past we have been rather hard on Josh Gates. Truth be told, we have probably been even harder on him than his televised series of blind speculation merits.

Getting paid to wander around the globe with a “team of truth seekers” investigating oral traditions from semi-literate tribesmen isn’t a bad gig, and far be it from us to hold it against the guy for running with the opportunity.

In fact,  we recently required several members of the research staff to  watch Destination Truth: The Bhutan Yeti in its entirety.

Now, it appears that Gates and his merry band of may have struck upon something neither he or his producers actually expected: scientific evidence of the creature they seek.

It can  be assumed that whoever is funding Gates’ nocturnal romps with the night vision camera is alternately dumbfounded and elated. Read the rest of this entry ?

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Home Depot Hit Hard by Beer Yeti Boycott

October 30, 2009

HomeDepotStock

The response to The Beer Yeti’s call for a boycott against The Home Depot has been overwhelming. A wave of anger over the marketing of “Sasquatch the Garden Yeti” has been sweeping like a tsunami of justice through the greater cryptozoological liberation activist community.

Hopefully this anger will quickly be turned into reconciliation when The Home Depot takes the necessary steps to remove the offensive statue from their inventory.

In the meantime, The Beer yeti Boycott is taking a huge toll on the home improvement giant’s financial well-being. Third quarter profits were already significantly down from 2008 when the numbers were released in August. Now the boycott seems to be driving down hopes of a rallying third quarter.

Just view the chart below. After our boycott was announced on September 22, share prices plummeted from 28.14 down to 26.85 a short three days later. Since then, share prices have dropped even further, hitting 25.21 yesterday. Read the rest of this entry ?