President Obama: Yeti Emissary?

December 8, 2009

In a recent diplomatic visit to the White House by Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, President Obama was invited to reciprocate with a visit to India.

On the surface this would appear to be a follow-up on the two leaders’ chat at the G-8+G-5 Summit, but political analysts at The Beer Yeti sense a more urgent issue inspiring the visit.

“There can be little doubt that the Yeti will be at the heart of any trips President Obama takes to India,” says the charming and handsome Beer Yeti Political Director (anonymity protected by The Beer Yeti’s non-disclosure policies).  “Pressure has been swelling in the greater cryptozoological research community to see these two nations unite in an effort to protect Yeti habitats, and also protect rural villagers from increasingly frequent Yeti attacks. It comes as a huge relief to our organization to see the President lending his credibility and influence to this great issue of our time.”

Some insiders will undoubtedly wonder how The Beer Yeti views the president’s short track record on cryptozoological outreach.

It is no easy task to consolidate all our concerns and compliments into one short statement on this site, but that is why we pay-and tolerate- a handsome and charming Beer Yeti Political Director.

“We try to be understanding in our presidential assessments. During President Obama’s campaign, we were deeply moved by the many tacit promises he made to further cryptozoological research and exploration. Few of these understood obligations have been made good since his election, but we look forward to him changing that with a trip to India. This could be just the boost in the polls his administration is looking for.”

As the universe’s foremost authority on the Yeti, it would seem to be necessary for the President to engage The Beer Yeti’s services in negotiating and administrating over any cryptid-focused government contracts that would result from such a trip. Our board unanimously agreed this morning that only our veteran staff would be fully capable of handling the intricacies of the international partnership.

Naturally, significant stimulus funds would be required to facilitate with the delicacy the situation requires.

We look forward to communicating to our readers the President’s official acknowledgment of the Yeti as the primary function of his announced trip the day it is announced.

Below is a rare photo of The Beer Yeti political director on expedition in Tibet. He is not allowed to wear the pith helmet around the office, so he overcompensates on research excursions.


Sasquatch Sighting and Media Cover-up

December 3, 2009

Gulf Coast Bigfoot Research Organization infiltrated by shape-shifting Were Squatch

San Antonio law enforcement have been saddled with the unenviable task of trying to track down a “large, hairy creature” that was seen dragging a deer carcass into the woods.

After local authorities completed a predictably futile search,  a member of the Gulf Coast Bigfoot Research Organization (GCBRO) – came in to assess the situation. This cryptozoologist uncovered  non-human footprints, and there ended the media analysis. Local news stations report that GCBRO was aware of a number of sightings having been reported in the area over the last couple of years.

As a rule, we like localized Bigfoot Research Organizations of all shapes and sizes. Without the benefits of the facilities, equipment, experience, staff expertise, martial arts training and personal charm that The Beer Yeti enjoys, these local groups put themselves in the field – and in the line of Bigfoot attack –  to search out the elusive Sasquatch.

After completing a rigorous analysis of the case details, The Beer Yeti is ready to make some empirically grounded claims about the San Antonio Sasquatch.

Similar to the famous incident of the “Shape-shifting Mormon Were-Squatch” of British Columbia, we are dealing with a crafty beast, desperate to maintain freedom at all costs.

As many of you guessed right off, a Shape-shifter is the perpetrator of the sighting, and subsequent cover-up. Read the rest of this entry »


Afghanistan Policy Missing Key Ingredient

December 2, 2009


U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates may or may not be an avid reader of The Beer Yeti.

We would assume that the level of policy analysis we offer would be critical for a man in his position, but it isn’t our style to self praise.

Gates recently made the following observation to a Senate committee.

“Rolling back the Taliban is now necessary even if not sufficient to the ultimate defeat of Al Qaeda. Failure in Afghanistan would mean a Taliban takeover of much if not most of the country and likely a renewed civil war.”

Secretary Gates has vocally supported President Obama in suggesting that 30,000 additional troops be sent in to protect Afghanistan from falling into the hands of the Afghans. According to the Defense Czar it is imperative that all necessary resources be dedicated to keeping this country from spiraling down into the  civil strife that they are so committed to avoiding.

The Beer Yeti’s own Foreign Policy Department is formulating a “counter-policy” that we feel will admirably meet the needs of everyone at the bargaining table. At first we concluded that our notoriously unruly “Crypto-Physics Department” would need 30,000 troops permanently stationed in their break room  to cut down on all the personal calls and on on-the-clock drinking. Then were made aware that Constitutional issues could potentially crop up with such a domestic troop deployment.

Regarding Afghanistan, The Beer Yeti is calling on Secretary Gates to deploy 30,000 troops immediately to Tibet. This troop strength may be on the low side, but a military unit of this size could potentially effect the location, tranquilization and transport of a Yeti to Afghanistan.

Operation Yeti Justice could then commence.

Once para-dropped into Tora Bora, the tranquilized Yeti would rip itself from the harness, and emotionally ignite into unchartable levels of rage and hate. Who do you think is going to be on the receiving end of that Yeti Justice? The Taliban.

Upon completion of the Yeti insertion, the US could withdraw all troops from Afghanistan with total peace of mind. It’s hard to plan terror when you are in terror because an affronted Yeti is at large in your country. Civil war would obviously be out of the question. It takes a nation united to defend against the insatiable hunger of the Yeti.

In no conceivable situation would the Founders (many of whom were dedicated cryptozoologists) consider allowing the extended involvement of US resources in Afghanistan to do the work of one Himalayan Yeti.

Hopefully Secretary Gates will be receptive to our policy insights, even if Karzai and his completely legitimate government structure may choose not to see all of the benefits.


“Primeval Hearts” Update

December 1, 2009

Numerous readers have contacted us via email expressing discontent over Twilight star, Robert Pattinson, being considered for the upcoming Yeti epic “Primeval Hearts.”

We wholeheartedly agree that this actor would leave much to be desired as the Raoul Derelicht, a shapeshifting Were-Yeti who unleashes primal justice in the Himalayas, while winning the heart of Mei Ling. Consider our two fold motivation for potentially using Pattinson in the film:

1.) Personal redemption for him.

2.) Filthy lucre for us.

Many of you have been deeply curious about Mei Ling. We really can’t say any more about the her character without giving away the riveting end to the first film.

The following concept poster is an artist’s rendering of the final showdown in the film, but excludes both Dolph Lundgren and Robert Pattinson. We will continue searching for an actor who can capture the true vitality and compelling vigor of the Were-Yeti.

Another important creative decision has been made concerning the film’s name. After an elongated staff meeting this morning ( in which Gary from the motor pool acted exceptionally juvenile), The Beer Yeti’s creative directors have decided that the new film title will be “Primeval Heart: Yeti Justice,” to better reflect the imcomparability, ferocity and singularity of the Were-Yeti’s persona.

Please continue your feedback, as we have a long way to go before this picture explodes into popular awareness.


Beer Yeti Eyes Twilight Movie Success

November 30, 2009

The Beer Yeti starts work on film script

As troubling as it is to see Yeti awareness eclipsed by the movie Twilight, this phenomenon is a wake up call to the many cryptozoologists whose efforts have previously reached only the elusive “Unemployed, White Male with Interest in Dungeons & Dragons” demographic.

The masses are completely enthralled by the vapid and contrived story of forbidden love betwixt a powerful, brooding vampire, and a weak, brooding girl.

What does all this say about our society? Easy. “People love cryptids.”

Think about this. If legions of people are willing to unlimber their wallets to watch a conflicted vampire run around climbing trees and playing baseball, imagine the cinematic effect of the unrestrained physical and emotional power of the Yeti?

Before us is the opportunity to hurtle the Yeti into the social prominence his attributes and habits merit, unlike Twilight, which draws attention to the overdressed and insipid creatures intent on undermining every good and decent portrayal of a vampire since Nosferatu.

If this bad film is making bank, the possibilities for a well-done film with the same themes are endless.

The Beer Yeti has taken steps to begin production of a film series showcasing actual spontaneous romance, and a truly sinister and compelling love interest.

Obviously a Yeti would be the most sinister and compelling love interest ever. Primarily because they eternally burn with unquenchable hate, and feel no emotions akin to love for anything but their own freedom.

Consider a few key characteristics of Edward Cullen ( the vampire love interest in Twilight) as compared to the Yeti.

Edward Cullen:

  • voyeuristic wanker
  • attends high school when he doesn’t have to
  • doesn’t drive an American made car (hates freedom)
  • crippled by self-loathing, but still manages to do all that work to his hair
  • wastes post-natural physical development (football team could have used him)
  • condescending toward local Native American inhabitants (racist)
  • handsome

The Yeti:

  • Compelled only by freedom
  • Physical strength of roughly 10 to 12 Yaks
  • Unparalleled cunning
  • Perfectly attuned to natural environment
  • Equitably hates all races and cultures
  • Lacks characteristics Western Culture would consider to be physically appealing

That said, The Beer Yeti is bending all the creative power of our staff toward the development of a script for  our “Crypto-Romance” series. Read the rest of this entry »


Josh Gates Spared by Yeti

November 23, 2009

Josh Gates’ Cryptozoological Clouseauian Capers Continue

In the past we have been rather hard on Josh Gates. Truth be told, we have probably been even harder on him than his televised series of blind speculation merits.

Getting paid to wander around the globe with a “team of truth seekers” investigating oral traditions from semi-literate tribesmen isn’t a bad gig, and far be it from us to hold it against the guy for running with the opportunity.

In fact,  we recently required several members of the research staff to  watch Destination Truth: The Bhutan Yeti in its entirety.

Now, it appears that Gates and his merry band of may have struck upon something neither he or his producers actually expected: scientific evidence of the creature they seek.

It can  be assumed that whoever is funding Gates’ nocturnal romps with the night vision camera is alternately dumbfounded and elated. Read the rest of this entry »


Home Depot Hit Hard by Beer Yeti Boycott

October 30, 2009


The response to The Beer Yeti’s call for a boycott against The Home Depot has been overwhelming. A wave of anger over the marketing of “Sasquatch the Garden Yeti” has been sweeping like a tsunami of justice through the greater cryptozoological liberation activist community.

Hopefully this anger will quickly be turned into reconciliation when The Home Depot takes the necessary steps to remove the offensive statue from their inventory.

In the meantime, The Beer yeti Boycott is taking a huge toll on the home improvement giant’s financial well-being. Third quarter profits were already significantly down from 2008 when the numbers were released in August. Now the boycott seems to be driving down hopes of a rallying third quarter.

Just view the chart below. After our boycott was announced on September 22, share prices plummeted from 28.14 down to 26.85 a short three days later. Since then, share prices have dropped even further, hitting 25.21 yesterday. Read the rest of this entry »