China is in a world of trouble, and it’s about time they were honest about it.
News of an expedition to seek out the notorious “Yeren” – or Chinese variant of the Yeti – has the greater cryptozoological research community on edge to see just what they come up with. This isn’t the first Chinese expedition to “discover” their local Yeti population. In the 70’s and 80’s the Chinese Academy of Science (which we assume is some kind of local kung fu association) carried out several completely fruitless searches. It’s really no wonder nothing turned up, as our own techniques and methods of Yeti discovery were not employed in any of these ventures.
Now, we said that China is in a world of trouble, and we mean to back up our statement with hard facts and scientific data.
According to this article, the region where Yeren (Yeti) are most frequently sighted also has something of a problem with peasant men being taken advantage of by female Yetis. I think we all can agree that’s not what you want on tourism brochures. “Ming Mysteries Resort: You could get violently used by a Yeti, but our pool area has recently been renovated!”
This from the previously-cited article-
“female members of the wild man species were supposed to have swept into villages in search of sexual partners, ravishing them as they lay paralysed in fear.”
Obviously these Yeti know exactly what they want. We would like to point out that this looks pretty bad for the local Yeti males. What do the Chinese peasant farmers have that a powerful Yeti male doesn’t? Science has yet to speak on this.
One peasant man had a particularly memorable experience – as opposed to the other Yeti assault victims for whom it was mundane.
“One peasant was asleep in his mountain forest hut when, according to an account in a 1983 edition of the Zhejiang Provincial Daily, a ‘wild woman’ with deep blue eyes burst through the door and proceeded to ravish him. “He was too frightened to call out, and was powerless to resist,” the paper reported, “the wild woman slept with him for several minutes and then left.”
While we generally have little time for the ribald humor of the perverts in our maintenance division, Doug did make a valid point during this morning’s sexual harassment workshop. To quote Doug, “Something wasn’t ‘paralyzed in fear’, if you know what I’m sayin'”. Nobody likes Doug, but yes, we do “get” what he’s saying. There are obviously many questions that still need to be answered, both by the Chinese peasant, and Doug to the behavioral inquiry board.
How long have Yeti been around? It’s been a while. During this time of existing, the stories of Yeti women running around giving Chinese men “the business” have been pretty few and far between. Something happened in the 70’s and 80’s to make these solitary beasts suddenly demand …well, you know.
Isn’t it obvious? Only one man in the world has the power and potency to engage in any level of consensual physical relationship with a Yeti. If you haven’t kept up this far, it’s obviously Kim Jong Il.
In seeking a mate worthy of his own virility and capability, Dear Leader was naturally led to the Yeti. It makes perfect sense. Two creatures of unparalleled perception and intensity joined in an explosive union among the wilderness crags.
They must have known he couldn’t stay forever. Korea needed his deft ruling touch to create the worker’s paradise it is today.
We won’t speculate on the details, but obviously something was awakened in the Chinese Yeti population that upset nature’s delicate balance. Having once elevated to post-quantifiable heights of satisfaction and fulfillment by Dear Leader, these Yeti were left to face the emptiness of life without his presence.
Unfortunately, these shells of what were proud and ravenous Yeti have been left to make do with the local population of Chinese peasants. Everyone seems to agree that the peasants are getting the short end of this stick.
It should be very clear that only the person who created this problem can put it to rest once and for all. Now that Dear Leader’s task of cultivating a cultural and humanitarian Shangri La has been accomplished, he must return to the Chinese wilderness to make things right with his former Yeti concubines.
The ball is in his court now. The Beer Yeti is joining the Chinese government ( we assume) in calling for Dear Leader to do what only he can.
The Beer Yeti 