Posts Tagged ‘cryptozoology’

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Australia Faces Werewolf Pandemic

December 15, 2009


Artist’s rendering of the Australian National Werewolf Defense Fort at Ayers Rock

Mad Max may exert an undo influence over our general perception of Australia, but recent scientific findings have confirmed that something about that place just isn’t right.

An adjunct, auxiliary, hourly-wage, part-time Beer Yeti apprentice just passed along a report that has most of our staff reevaluating Sydney as the right location for The Beer Yeti’s 2027 Staff Retreat.

A study published in the Australia Medical Journal announced that some people tend to exhibit “werewolf” like behaviors during the full moon.

According to the study, 91 patients in Calvary Mater Newcastle Hospital’s emergency room displayed “violent and acute behavioral disturbance.”  This included biting, scratching and spitting at staff members. Nearly 23% of these incidents occurred during the full moon.

One staff member reported that 66% of these subjects were under the influence of drugs and alcohol. The following is taken from her statement-

“It has been reported that the practice of rubbing magic ointment on the skin or inhaling vapor from a magic potion by an alleged werewolf induces metamorphosis.  Not surprisingly, the main ingredients of these ointments and potions were belladonna and nightshade, both of which can produce delirium, hallucinations and delusion of bodily metamorphosis.”

We want to get this right. It took advanced medical education, peer-reviewed medical journals, and large amounts of government funding to determine that some toxicology patients display violent behaviors during the full moon?

We asked our own Native American traditional healer for a statement on the situation, and she said, “Violent drug addicts attack hospital staff in the toxicology department, and they are trying to blame this on lunar cycles? This is completely coincidental, and a waste of the medical community’s time to speculate about.”

So exactly as we guessed right off, Australia is under sever threat of a werewolf pandemic.

All that training and money, and the Australian medical field is still struggling to understand what any cryptozoologist – or even alchemist – could have pointed out.

You know who displays “werewolf-like” behaviors during the full moon. Werewolves do.

If this hospital alone dealt with 91 cases of werewolves, we can only imagine that the worst is yet to come. It is time to declare national emergency, and deal with the werewolf onslaught before things get totally out of control.

In times like this, we generally have two “go to” strategies.

The first is always “What would Buffy Summers do?” and the second is “If Buffy did bite the dust by going with the first plan, how would Bruce Willis save our bacon?”

These protocols generally do not mesh well with fire drills.

The one clear solution is for Australia to fall back on the Swiss strategy of the “National Redoubt“, or in layman’s terms, “a big fort.” If anyone had to pick the perfect place to fend off a werewolf assault, it is unthinkable that they would choose any place but Uluru (Ayers Rock).

This massive rock formation in the middle of nowhere is just begging for a little tunneling and fortification.

The Aboriginal peoples might have some qualms about using the sacred rock as a werewolf fort, but that is only because they have never seen a werewolf pandemic. Government negotiators will have to hammer out the details, but eventually the question will have to be answered, “What sounds worse, breaking Dreamtime taboos, or getting eaten by a werewolf from Perth?”

Our very concise opinion would be that the Australian government begin immediate fortification of, and withdrawal to, Uluru in order to survive the coming werewolf war. Most likely the entire economy needs to be focused exclusively on preparation for this necessity. Our suggestion would be to put Steven Seagal and Dolph Lundgren in joint control of a more immediate “Werewolf Suppression Task Force.”

Of course the Australian government can also choose to mock us, and ignore our recommendations.

It’s no skin off The Beer Yeti’s back. We already have a werewolf fort.

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Virginians Uncover Sasquatch Feces

December 10, 2009

Now available for lectures

A group of Sasquatch seekers in Virginia is blazing new trails in cryptozoological inquiry.

According to Billy Willard, founder of Sasquatch Watch of Virginia, a team of Sasquatch seekers recently came across samples of “suspicious feces” while scouring the West Virginian wilderness for Bigfoot.

Willard told West Virginian Public Broadcasting that while they found “suspicious feces,” and made casts of footprints, they did not actually spot the elusive biped.

“Typically we go out and visit sites where there’s been previous sighting reports,” Willard said. “We do get encounters called in to a hot line that we have, and we go out and we’ll research those areas looking for evidence such as footprints, strange stick tree structures and that kind of thing.”

Mr. Willard went on to state that though he has never personally beheld a Sasquatch, he firmly believes they exist.

I could accept that this thing is human, whether it’s an undiscovered Native American tribe of people, I could accept that this is some kind of North American ape that just simply hasn’t been documented yet,” he said. “Those are the two main theories.”

Our Field Operations Planning Committee (FOPC) is abuzz with how to assimilate Mr. Willard’s statements into their own excursions afield. Specifically, how does one go about identifying and categorizing “suspicious feces”?

This pretty much dominated our staff meeting this morning, as various employees on FOPC wanted to know what characteristics of fecal material found in the woods qualify it as “suspicious,” and if they get a bonus for having to collect samples.

Unfortunately, Sasquatch Watch of Virginia has been lax in posting their “Suspicious Feces Identification Standards” on the organizational website, so this debate will most likely be ongoing.

Unlike other recently addressed Bigfoot research groups, we feel that Mr. Willard has an open mind, and is most likely not a shape-shifter.

Much more time and research will have to be dedicated to investigating one of the “two main theories,” namely that Sasquatch is an undiscovered Native American tribe roaming around West Virginia. Tribal elders of First Nations traditionally residing in West Virginia will need to be extensively interviewed before The Beer Yeti can officially comment on this postulation.

Should the Sasquatch be tax exempt? This is just one of the ramifications of Mr. Willard’s theory.

More on that to come shortly.

If you have encountered a Sasquatch, or come across “suspicious feces,” we encourage you to reward the hard work of the good folks at SWV by letting them know via this hotline: (703) 445-4287

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Werewolves or Sasquatch? NACRC Reports

December 9, 2009

NACRC Report Overwhelms Greater Cryptozoological Research Community

This is an exciting day for all of us at The Beer Yeti.

While we frequently collaborate with other similarly minded crypto-research groups on field exploration and laboratory initiatives, rare is the occasion that we are able to share these findings through our public interfacing mechanism ( for Jeff in Accounts Payable, that means “this site”).

After a series of troubling cryptid sightings sprang up in Wisconsin, we were deeply concerned that the right perspective be brought in to analyze the data. With our own field agents engaged in a top secret research assignment, there was only one clear option: NACRC.

While little known in convention-bound academic circles, the North American Cryptozoological Research Collective ( NACRC) has been dropping”mind bombs” in the greater cryptozoological research community for a long time now. Just when you think no answer can be found to explain a sighting, NACRC is on hand to deliver double barrels of insight. That certainly holds true for the Wisconsin Werewolf sightings.

– The Beer Yeti

OFFICIAL N.A.C.R.C. FIELD REPORT

We were very pleased when The Beer Yeti contacted us at the North American Cryptalzoological Research Collective (NACRC) about giving our expert analysis on a recent rash of werewolf sightings in the Wisconsin.

People are far too quick to explain away these sightings as large wolf or a bear, but it’s this very ‘only in the box’ type of thinking that has gotten us into this mess in the first place.

One of our key principles  here at NACRC  is that boxes suck. This philosophy makes moving a lot harder and Cryptozoology a lot easier.

So instead of instantly dismissing the possibility of a Werewolf, Sasquatch, or Shapeshifter, let us look at all the options and allow science and truth to prevail.

Steve Krueger who encountered one of the beasts in 2006 described it as “Big, black,hairy, having pointed ears, standing on its hind legs (Bipedal),  a snout larger than a bear’s, and between 6-7 feet tall.”

Some may claim that Steve was just on an acid trip, and had seen Dog Soldiers one too many times, but Mr. Krueger was on the job. Who would want to risk a cushy Government job by doing acid, when you can easily wait till 5 O’clock to get your fill?

Dillon Ruder who also sighted something in his back yard described it as a “Hairy monster.” Author and Journalist Linda Godfrey describes it as a “Man-wolf” her best guess is that it’s a “Super-evolved timber wolf that can stand on its hind legs (Bipedal).”

Katie Zahn describes seeing three of the creatures while hiking with some friends.  She describes them as “Not human, wolf-like creatures that knelt down by a creek and drank water out of their hands.”

So, some general characteristics that we have to go by are.
1)    LARGE (6’-7’)

2)    HAIRY
3)    BIPEDAL
4)    HAVING POINTED EARS
5)    NOT HUMAN, but possessing some Humanoid characteristics

Read the rest of this entry ?

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SkyMall: Brainwashing the Masses?

October 29, 2009

ExploitativeYeti

The world of home improvement merchandising is still reeling from the heavy-handed boycott The Beer Yeti enacted over the sale of “Sasquatch the Garden Yeti,” potentially the most offensive garden decoration ever made available to international markets.

Now, Phoenix-based marketing/publishing firm “Sky Mall” has been exposed as another cog in the anti-Yeti, defamation machine.

Recently, an activist reader was perusing Sky Mall’s quarterly publication mid-flight, and discovered that the magazine offered the same objectifying sculpture that set off The Home Depot boycott!

So what exactly is it that you sell, Sky Mall? Shower radios, or exploitation?

The implications of Sky Mall selling this monument to ignorance are huge. Every year, approximately 650 MILLION travelers are exposed to their in-flight catalog. That is 650 Million people being bombarded with harmful stereotypes, and having their misconceptions cemented into an adamantine indifference to crypid rights. Read the rest of this entry ?

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High road or low: Which will Sam Raimi take?

September 30, 2009

SamRaimiYetiAshArmyofDarkness

“Ok Yeti, say hello to the 21st Century!”

The announcement that director Sam Raimi ( “Army of Darkness,” “Spiderman”) will be producing the Yeti-centric film “Refuge,” caused quite a stir around The Beer Yeti research compound. Some of our crypto-liberation researchers have welcomed the news, others ( namely Rick in accounting) remain deeply skeptical that the producer will give the legendary beast its due respect.

According to Reuters, the film “centers on a remote town terrorized by a Yeti, the mythological creature native to the mountains of the Himalayas.”

Aside from  sloppy reporting by Reuters ( “mythological”), this sounds like a film our organization-nay the entire crypto-liberation movement- could rall behind.

We realize that the previous sentence could be disconcerting to some of our  co-activists in the fight against cryptid exploitation. How could the staunchest defender of Yeti dignity stoop to endorse silver screen objectification? Read the rest of this entry ?

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Beer Yeti Calls for Home Depot Boycott

September 22, 2009

HomeDepot

The Home Depot, America’s favorite home and garden superstore, appears to be running a sale on exploitation and degradation.

While searching the The Home Depot website for some decorative sidewalk pavers, a member of our maintenance department came across one of the most grossly exploitative caricatures we have encountered. Though somewhat hardened by years of fighting in the Crypto-Liberation trenches, this humiliating objectification of the Himalayan Yeti brought tears of outrage to the eyes of more than one Beer Yeti staff member.

The revolting monument to corporate greed is styled “Bigfoot the Garden Yeti.”

Below is the open letter we are preparing to send to The Home Depot.

To the Home Depot,

As figurehead for the Crypto-Liberation Movement, The Beer Yeti is compelled to vehemently condemn the base exploitation to which your organization has stooped.

Quite frankly, you have a fine operation. Our staff members frequent your stores, and have -up to this point- enjoyed the wide selection and good prices you provide.

That was before we realized that exploitation, shame and objectification were being stocked along with the lawn fertilizer and home appliances.

Specifically, your web site makes available for sale a small garden statue styled “Bigfoot the Garden Yeti.”

We should not have to reprove individuals of your business acumen for such an oversight, but since we are going to anyway, here it goes.

Have any of you ever heard of a “Bigfoot Yeti?”

You haven’t, because there is no such thing. Had you reached out the knowledgeable designers, you would be aware that “Yeti” and “Bigfoot” are not interchangeable sobriquets for the same creature. These are two very distinct species, and have completely different features and habits. To meld two completely different crypto bi-peds into one grotesque garden statue is unthinkably offensive.

How offensive, you ask? Well, we looked around your site and noticed you didn’t have any lawn statues named “Chief Sitting Bull the Garden Ghandi.”  Why not? They are both “Indian” after all!  It isn’t as if speculative, deeply offensive statues are something you are not willing to market.

We don’t know what you were thinking when you decided to run this misbegotten item, but you obviously were not considering the pain it would cause to the cryptozoological research community.

At present, our well known position on Corporate Crypto-Exploitation mandates that we immediately boycott your chain of stores. We regret the damage done to your business in these troubling economic climes, but urge you to think of the more-than-monetary damage you have wrought through this degrading garden statue. Likewise, The Beer Yeti calls on the greater cryptozoological research community to join our boycott of your stores.

The boycott begins today, and will be called off only when the following reparative actions have been taken:

1.) All remaining “Bigfoot the Garden Yeti” statues must be ground down and re-shaped into a 20′ Yeti monument ( matching the anatomical specifications we send you) to stand in front of the Home Depot Corporate Headquarters.

2.) A general recall of all “Bigfoot the Garden Yeti” statues must be issued with an apology, and the offer of crypto-sensitivity training to be paid for by Home Depot.

3.) The hiring of a Crypto-Rights/Sensitivity Consultant to facilitate unity and appropriate artistic renderings in the future.

4.) An actions-based, organizational turn toward rebuilding bridges that have been burned with the greater cryptozoological research community.

5.) Funding a “Cryptid Awareness in Marketing” research and rehabilitation effort, to be conducted and implemented by The Beer Yeti.

6.) Six weeks of pro-Yeti, public service announcements to be run on major television networks.

Please view our current boycott, and these “demands,” as our hand extended to help you build bridges, not walls. Please take action immediately, and we will look forward to seeing you again at The Home Depot.

Sincerely,

The Beer Yeti

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Siberian UFO Base May Reveal Yeti Intergalactic Connection

September 21, 2009

TibetanScroll

When The Beer Yeti first proposed the revolutionary theory of Yeti/Extraterrestrial interaction, skeptics came out of the woodwork to belittle the notion. Now, the naysayers can ask themselves this question: “Do I want Cool Whip when I have to eat a big, fat piece of Humble Pie?”

Extremely credible research has emerged suggesting that conclusive evidence of our theory is shortly to be revealed. According to this world-renowned news site, a UFO researcher in Russia intends to explore what he believes is the extra terrestrial equivalent of a truck stop-

“Recently, a series of domed underground bases have been discovered on the banks of the Vilyuy River. These are believed by many researchers to be UFO bases used by visiting extra terrestrials. There are said to be vast structures and many rooms beneath these domes. These domes are believed to have been used by UFO travelers for thousands of years.”

UFO travelers? Underground bases? Finally some substantive contributions from the media! Read the rest of this entry ?