Posts Tagged ‘North Korea’

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Yeti Concubines Ravage China

October 15, 2010

China is in a world of trouble, and it’s about time they were honest about it.

News of an expedition to seek out the notorious “Yeren” – or Chinese variant of the Yeti – has the greater cryptozoological research community on edge to see just what they come up with. This isn’t the first Chinese expedition to “discover” their local Yeti population. In the 70’s and 80’s the Chinese Academy of Science (which we assume is some kind of local kung fu association) carried out several completely fruitless searches. It’s really no wonder nothing turned up, as our own techniques and methods of Yeti discovery were not employed in any of these ventures.

Now, we said that China is in a world of trouble, and we mean to back up our statement with hard facts and scientific data.

According to this article, the region where Yeren (Yeti) are most frequently sighted also has something of a problem with peasant men being taken advantage of by female Yetis. I think we all can agree that’s not what you want on tourism brochures. “Ming Mysteries Resort: You could get violently used by a Yeti, but our pool area has recently been renovated!”

This from the previously-cited article-

“female members of the wild man species were supposed to have swept into villages in search of sexual partners, ravishing them as they lay paralysed in fear.”

Obviously these Yeti know exactly what they want. We would like to point out that this looks pretty bad for the local Yeti males. What do the Chinese peasant farmers have that a powerful Yeti male doesn’t? Science has yet to speak on this.

One peasant man had a particularly memorable experience – as opposed to the other Yeti assault victims for whom it was mundane.

“One peasant was asleep in his mountain forest hut when, according to an account in a 1983 edition of the Zhejiang Provincial Daily, a ‘wild woman’ with deep blue eyes burst through the door and proceeded to ravish him. “He was too frightened to call out, and was powerless to resist,” the paper reported, “the wild woman slept with him for several minutes and then left.”

While we generally have little time for the ribald humor of the perverts in our maintenance division, Doug did make a valid point during this morning’s sexual harassment workshop. To quote Doug, “Something wasn’t ‘paralyzed in fear’, if you know what I’m sayin'”. Nobody likes Doug, but yes, we do “get” what he’s saying. There are obviously many questions that still need to be answered, both by the Chinese peasant, and Doug to the behavioral inquiry board.

How long have Yeti been around? It’s been a while. During this time of existing, the stories of Yeti women running around giving Chinese men “the business” have been pretty few and far between. Something happened in the 70’s and 80’s to make these solitary beasts suddenly demand …well, you know.

Isn’t it obvious? Only one man in the world has the power and potency to engage in any level of consensual physical relationship with a Yeti. If you haven’t kept up this far, it’s obviously Kim Jong Il.

In seeking a mate worthy of his own virility and capability, Dear Leader was naturally led to the Yeti. It makes perfect sense. Two creatures of unparalleled perception and intensity joined in an explosive union among the wilderness crags.

They must have known he couldn’t stay forever. Korea needed his deft ruling touch to create the worker’s paradise it is today.

We won’t speculate on the details, but obviously something was awakened in the Chinese Yeti population that upset nature’s delicate balance. Having once elevated to post-quantifiable heights of satisfaction and fulfillment by Dear Leader, these Yeti were left to face the emptiness of life without his presence.

Unfortunately, these shells of what were proud and ravenous Yeti have been left to make do with the local population of Chinese peasants. Everyone seems to agree that the peasants are getting the short end of this stick.

It should be very clear that only the person who created this problem can put it to rest once and for all. Now that Dear Leader’s task of cultivating a cultural and humanitarian Shangri La has been accomplished, he must return to the Chinese wilderness to make things right with his former Yeti concubines.

The ball is in his court now. The Beer Yeti is joining the Chinese government ( we assume) in calling for Dear Leader to do what only he can.

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North Korea Steps forward as Unlikely Supporter of Post-Credential Educational Approach

August 6, 2009

Video provided to The Beer Yeti demonstrating North Korean post-substantive, socio-political leadership schema

It is safe to say that our staff is reeling from the enthusiasm and support shown by the many people who have embraced the paradigm shifting potential of The Beer Yeti’s “post-credential” educational model. Our demand for liberation focused, cryptozoology curricula to be included at university level instruction was hardly posted when the messages of praise and solidarity started coming in. Certainly the support from some quarters has been unexpected ( to say the least), but our top organizational directors are firmly committed to subjecting personal political philosophies for the advancement of freedom for the Yeti, Sasquatch, and their lesser known relations.

North Korea has been especially enthusiastic in their embracing of an educational approach that espouses non-diagnostic, non-normative, benchmark-free assessment. From our  in-depth research via Wikipedia, it seems that this peninsular pariah has been blazing trails in that department for quite some time. Obviously their “research” is still shackled to more western, post-enlightenment conventions than The Beer Yeti would ever make use of in our organizational research, but the country’s consistent refusal of empirically-based decision making is impressive. While the legal implications of supplying their national university system with Cryptozoological Science curricula are something that our legal department must ponder, we are none the less flattered that our little announcement has made such impressive headway.

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The Beer Yeti moves the Korean Peninsula outside the box

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Beer Yeti’s Post-Credential Education Initiative Flooded With Praise

August 5, 2009

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The Beer Yeti’s Post-Credential Educational Model casts a large shadow over convention-bound academia

Every day, thousands of schools, corporations, and charitable fill news wires with announcements and news releases.

Some stories get more “legs” than others, and The Beer Yeti is pleased to announce that our own humble appeal for inclusion has been such a story.

Last week The Beer Yeti’s team of distinguished crypto-liberation scientists announced their intent to establish a new curriculum by which everyday citizens could gain access to higher education in the “post-empirical” field of hidden animal studies.

Unveiling the primarily experiential, crypto-freedom educational-perspective-facilitation “system” was just one step forward in a decades-long journey toward our pan-disciplinary vision: a “post-credential” academic model of university instruction.

An elite cadre of Beer Yeti fellows, adjunct scholars, and high-level advisors laid out their plan for an assessment model that is strictly non-normative, non-diagnostic and liberated from the crippling benchmark standards that have come to define so-called traditional western academic instruction.

They frankly predicted that powerful public figures from (archaic) classroom-styled colleges and universities would respond with a reactionary mixture of disdain and anger.

What our researchers failed to account for was the groundswell of heartfelt support from other liked-minded truth seekers who pursue similar –even complementary– paths toward pan-disciplinary, post-content meta-science.
Experts from The Beer Yeti, long acknowledged to be preeminent in their understanding of Yeti, Sasquatch, and their lesser known relations, have been deeply moved by all the pledges of support, and offers of assistance in the development and administration of the new degree program. As we have previously stated, our proposed curriculum would contribute toward a degree equivalent. Limiting the instructional quality and experiential wisdom to a contrived definition like “degree” would do us all a disservice.

Activists have come out of some very unexpected woodwork, without invitation or prodding, to communicate support and encouragement for The Beer Yeti’s blazing a new trail in academia. Among the most wildly enthusiastic have been post-Reichian Orgone theorists, neo-quantum Odic force botanists, applied Phrenologists, and Sheldrake inspired Morphic Field researchers. Color us impressed! Read the rest of this entry ?