Posts Tagged ‘Sasquatch sighting’

h1

Virginians Uncover Sasquatch Feces

December 10, 2009

Now available for lectures

A group of Sasquatch seekers in Virginia is blazing new trails in cryptozoological inquiry.

According to Billy Willard, founder of Sasquatch Watch of Virginia, a team of Sasquatch seekers recently came across samples of “suspicious feces” while scouring the West Virginian wilderness for Bigfoot.

Willard told West Virginian Public Broadcasting that while they found “suspicious feces,” and made casts of footprints, they did not actually spot the elusive biped.

“Typically we go out and visit sites where there’s been previous sighting reports,” Willard said. “We do get encounters called in to a hot line that we have, and we go out and we’ll research those areas looking for evidence such as footprints, strange stick tree structures and that kind of thing.”

Mr. Willard went on to state that though he has never personally beheld a Sasquatch, he firmly believes they exist.

I could accept that this thing is human, whether it’s an undiscovered Native American tribe of people, I could accept that this is some kind of North American ape that just simply hasn’t been documented yet,” he said. “Those are the two main theories.”

Our Field Operations Planning Committee (FOPC) is abuzz with how to assimilate Mr. Willard’s statements into their own excursions afield. Specifically, how does one go about identifying and categorizing “suspicious feces”?

This pretty much dominated our staff meeting this morning, as various employees on FOPC wanted to know what characteristics of fecal material found in the woods qualify it as “suspicious,” and if they get a bonus for having to collect samples.

Unfortunately, Sasquatch Watch of Virginia has been lax in posting their “Suspicious Feces Identification Standards” on the organizational website, so this debate will most likely be ongoing.

Unlike other recently addressed Bigfoot research groups, we feel that Mr. Willard has an open mind, and is most likely not a shape-shifter.

Much more time and research will have to be dedicated to investigating one of the “two main theories,” namely that Sasquatch is an undiscovered Native American tribe roaming around West Virginia. Tribal elders of First Nations traditionally residing in West Virginia will need to be extensively interviewed before The Beer Yeti can officially comment on this postulation.

Should the Sasquatch be tax exempt? This is just one of the ramifications of Mr. Willard’s theory.

More on that to come shortly.

If you have encountered a Sasquatch, or come across “suspicious feces,” we encourage you to reward the hard work of the good folks at SWV by letting them know via this hotline: (703) 445-4287

h1

Werewolves or Sasquatch? NACRC Reports

December 9, 2009

NACRC Report Overwhelms Greater Cryptozoological Research Community

This is an exciting day for all of us at The Beer Yeti.

While we frequently collaborate with other similarly minded crypto-research groups on field exploration and laboratory initiatives, rare is the occasion that we are able to share these findings through our public interfacing mechanism ( for Jeff in Accounts Payable, that means “this site”).

After a series of troubling cryptid sightings sprang up in Wisconsin, we were deeply concerned that the right perspective be brought in to analyze the data. With our own field agents engaged in a top secret research assignment, there was only one clear option: NACRC.

While little known in convention-bound academic circles, the North American Cryptozoological Research Collective ( NACRC) has been dropping”mind bombs” in the greater cryptozoological research community for a long time now. Just when you think no answer can be found to explain a sighting, NACRC is on hand to deliver double barrels of insight. That certainly holds true for the Wisconsin Werewolf sightings.

– The Beer Yeti

OFFICIAL N.A.C.R.C. FIELD REPORT

We were very pleased when The Beer Yeti contacted us at the North American Cryptalzoological Research Collective (NACRC) about giving our expert analysis on a recent rash of werewolf sightings in the Wisconsin.

People are far too quick to explain away these sightings as large wolf or a bear, but it’s this very ‘only in the box’ type of thinking that has gotten us into this mess in the first place.

One of our key principles  here at NACRC  is that boxes suck. This philosophy makes moving a lot harder and Cryptozoology a lot easier.

So instead of instantly dismissing the possibility of a Werewolf, Sasquatch, or Shapeshifter, let us look at all the options and allow science and truth to prevail.

Steve Krueger who encountered one of the beasts in 2006 described it as “Big, black,hairy, having pointed ears, standing on its hind legs (Bipedal),  a snout larger than a bear’s, and between 6-7 feet tall.”

Some may claim that Steve was just on an acid trip, and had seen Dog Soldiers one too many times, but Mr. Krueger was on the job. Who would want to risk a cushy Government job by doing acid, when you can easily wait till 5 O’clock to get your fill?

Dillon Ruder who also sighted something in his back yard described it as a “Hairy monster.” Author and Journalist Linda Godfrey describes it as a “Man-wolf” her best guess is that it’s a “Super-evolved timber wolf that can stand on its hind legs (Bipedal).”

Katie Zahn describes seeing three of the creatures while hiking with some friends.  She describes them as “Not human, wolf-like creatures that knelt down by a creek and drank water out of their hands.”

So, some general characteristics that we have to go by are.
1)    LARGE (6’-7’)

2)    HAIRY
3)    BIPEDAL
4)    HAVING POINTED EARS
5)    NOT HUMAN, but possessing some Humanoid characteristics

Read the rest of this entry ?

h1

Sasquatch Sighting and Media Cover-up

December 3, 2009

Gulf Coast Bigfoot Research Organization infiltrated by shape-shifting Were Squatch

San Antonio law enforcement have been saddled with the unenviable task of trying to track down a “large, hairy creature” that was seen dragging a deer carcass into the woods.

After local authorities completed a predictably futile search,  a member of the Gulf Coast Bigfoot Research Organization (GCBRO) – came in to assess the situation. This cryptozoologist uncovered  non-human footprints, and there ended the media analysis. Local news stations report that GCBRO was aware of a number of sightings having been reported in the area over the last couple of years.

As a rule, we like localized Bigfoot Research Organizations of all shapes and sizes. Without the benefits of the facilities, equipment, experience, staff expertise, martial arts training and personal charm that The Beer Yeti enjoys, these local groups put themselves in the field – and in the line of Bigfoot attack –  to search out the elusive Sasquatch.

After completing a rigorous analysis of the case details, The Beer Yeti is ready to make some empirically grounded claims about the San Antonio Sasquatch.

Similar to the famous incident of the “Shape-shifting Mormon Were-Squatch” of British Columbia, we are dealing with a crafty beast, desperate to maintain freedom at all costs.

As many of you guessed right off, a Shape-shifter is the perpetrator of the sighting, and subsequent cover-up. Read the rest of this entry ?

h1

The Implications of Vocalizations: Bigfoot Discovery Project weighs in

July 28, 2009

[blip.tv ?posts_id=2426634&dest=-1]

Why does Bigfoot scream?

This is a question that has troubled researchers, and confounded the scientific world for decades ( if not centuries). Very probably, science and technology has simply not advanced to a level whereby this question of the ages can be answered. Equally probable, is that a sound answer regarding the Sasquatch’s primal vocalizations would be more terrible and disconcerting than most people are willing to cope with. Could these calls be communications with his bipedal brethren? An attempt to push down its own yearning for solitude and speak to the trespassers in his domains?

The world does not know. Well, technically, “most” of the world doesn’t know. One cryptid researcher has refused to allow the limitations of traditional scientific documentation and observation to confine his probing into Sasquatch behaviors.

Michael Rugg, co-founder of the Bigfoot Discovery Project, has committed himself to the truth at all costs. By all costs, we mean ” at the cost of conventional western science.”  This from the BDP website-

“The BDP accepts the subject of the Patterson/Gimlin Film as the type specimen for the Pacific Coast Bigfoot or Sasquatch and seeks to create a dialogue about the implications of the impending “discovery of Bigfoot” by conventional Western science.

The Beer Yeti only hopes that conventionally eastern science has been more holistically embraced by Mr. Rugg. In the video below, Mr. Rugg elaborates on his findings on Sasquatch vocalizations, free from the restrictions of charts, first-hand experience and documented facts.

This isn’t science. It’s better than science.

Mr. Rugg’s Post-scientific, post categorical, pan-disciplinary, multi-dimensional, meta-research is the nation’s ( nay, the world’s) only hope of getting answers to these questions that plague us. Thank you Mr. Rugg, for all you are doing.

We are grateful for his dedication to the truth of the Sasquatch’s existence, and only hope that he will lend his wisdom and experience to protecting their freedom, and never infringing upon it.


h1

Scientific Community Astounded by Shape-Shifting Were-Squatch

December 31, 2008

shapeshifting-were-squatch

UPDATE: Shape-shifters may be headed for the big screen!

If Mitt Romney actually is a shape-shifting were-Squatch, the staff at The Beer Yeti is unaware. We just wanted to protect the identity of the real Shape-shifting were-Squatch from villainous, “self-described” Sasquatch hunter Larry Sommerfield. The scientific chart posted above will be published with our upcoming white paper on the recent were-Squatch discovery.

For weeks now scientists have been working around the clock at The Beer Yeti research facility to dig to the bottom of the recent “sighting” of a 20 inch Sasquatch footprint by two men in British Columbia. Across the world speculators have wondered why a Sasquatch would leave evidence of his passing to the two men. Even our veteran staff made the mistake of assuming the the Sasquatch was leaving some kind of warning.

We could not have been more wrong.

As we have posted before, the truth of the situation is far more shocking.

Before we put down our findings, we urge our readers to consider the details of the original sighting of the footprint.

The two men claimed to have discovered the print while walking around their house at 9:30 in the evening. Additionally, the print was found near the path to the woodshed. To the inexpert eye this may appear as an inconsequential side note to the greater story of the print itself. However, it was seizing on, and correctly interpreting, these facts that enabled our researchers to conduct our battery of tests and calculations with such success.

No real Sasquatch wandered by the cabin of the two men. Lest you think we intend to suggest that someone perpetrated a simple hoax with a wooden cutout of a Sasquatch print; we do not. One of the men did indeed make the print, but it was with his real foot, and not a wooden cut out.

The truth: As darkness fell on the woods of British Columbia, a horrifying transformation took place within the cabin. A man fell to the floor writhing. Within seconds he exploded in size, limbs lengthening and tearing through his clothes. Long, matted hair curled out from his body, and brutal fangs lengthened in his jaws.With a roar he sprang toward his unfortunate companion, ravening jaws agape and slavering… Read the rest of this entry ?

h1

Mormons escape brush with Sasquatch

December 11, 2008

sasquatch

UPDATE: Shape-shifters may harness Twilight popularity to enter popular culture!

Many thanks to celebrated researcher JGordon for making sure that our staff  got the following information.

According to Houston-Today.Com, two Mormon missionaries living in British Columbia discovered a set of Sasquatch footprints outside of their home.The news of a cryptid revealing itself to emissaries of the Mormon church was sensational enough to merit coverage in a few newspapers, but researchers across the globe are pondering the deeper implications of the Sasquatch “sighting.”

Unfortunately for these researchers, the article does not relate key details about how the footprints were actually found. Even our least keen staff members ( namely Janet in accounting and the pest control team) were quick to see that valuable information has been neglected and ignored by the interviewers of the two men.

For instance, we know that the men first noticed the 20 inch print at 9:30 at night near the path leading to their woodshed. Why were they going to the woodshed? Did one of them trip in the trough-sized print? Did the light from their lantern illuminate the find? It is crucial that even the smallest details-such as what type of light they were using- be brought out. Torchlight or lantern? These clues make all the difference. Each one of these pieces can be used by experts to weave together a better understanding of what the Sasquatch wanted, and -more importantly- why he didn’t attack the Mormons. Of course this data assessment process is very laborious and technical, so we will probably not reprint it all here.

What we can say with finality is that these men narrowly escaped with their lives. Had they stepped outside to go to the woodshed and met the beast, they would have been undoubtedly been subjected to the creature’s simian onslaught.

Does this claim seem far fetched? Only if you lack a basic understanding of who and what a Sasquatch is.

In some ways the Sasquatch is a more degraded beast than its relative the Himalayan Yeti ( a scientific fact which will be expounded on another time), but they both have the same heart that burns with hatred for anything that infringes on freedom. Tales about the kind and gentle heart of the Sasquatch are drivel. It is a physical, and even metaphysical, impossibility for a Sasquatch or Yeti to see a human being and not erupt into an inferno of hate. This is not a reaction reserved only for humans; it applies to all Yeti-folk interactions. Other creatures can only ever be a reminder that freedom is fleeting. Because of this, the Sasquatch can not look at another creature without blinding malice and sorrow.

Are these creatures kind toward one another? Science has not spoken on this. Read the rest of this entry ?