Posts Tagged ‘sasquatch’

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2010 Needs Us…Needs Truth

May 7, 2010

Due to a large number of research expeditions scheduled early in the year, The Beer Yeti staff has been occupied with just about everything but keeping the world abreast of our work via this blog.

It looks like we have been missed. In our short absence we noticed the rapid decline of anything resembling truth being disseminated in the mainstream media, and have directed the communications staff to get back to the task of interfacing with the world.

Many thanks to all the readers who have badgered us to return. We would like to say that we’re back exclusively for you, but that would be a lie. Exploitation brought us back. The continued, horrifying objectification of the Yeti and Sasquatch for base personal gain.

You know what we’re talking about, SkyMall.

Anyway, we are back, and looking forward to presenting you with some of our more recent findings. As always, feel free to contact us with relevant stories.

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Australia Faces Werewolf Pandemic

December 15, 2009


Artist’s rendering of the Australian National Werewolf Defense Fort at Ayers Rock

Mad Max may exert an undo influence over our general perception of Australia, but recent scientific findings have confirmed that something about that place just isn’t right.

An adjunct, auxiliary, hourly-wage, part-time Beer Yeti apprentice just passed along a report that has most of our staff reevaluating Sydney as the right location for The Beer Yeti’s 2027 Staff Retreat.

A study published in the Australia Medical Journal announced that some people tend to exhibit “werewolf” like behaviors during the full moon.

According to the study, 91 patients in Calvary Mater Newcastle Hospital’s emergency room displayed “violent and acute behavioral disturbance.”  This included biting, scratching and spitting at staff members. Nearly 23% of these incidents occurred during the full moon.

One staff member reported that 66% of these subjects were under the influence of drugs and alcohol. The following is taken from her statement-

“It has been reported that the practice of rubbing magic ointment on the skin or inhaling vapor from a magic potion by an alleged werewolf induces metamorphosis.  Not surprisingly, the main ingredients of these ointments and potions were belladonna and nightshade, both of which can produce delirium, hallucinations and delusion of bodily metamorphosis.”

We want to get this right. It took advanced medical education, peer-reviewed medical journals, and large amounts of government funding to determine that some toxicology patients display violent behaviors during the full moon?

We asked our own Native American traditional healer for a statement on the situation, and she said, “Violent drug addicts attack hospital staff in the toxicology department, and they are trying to blame this on lunar cycles? This is completely coincidental, and a waste of the medical community’s time to speculate about.”

So exactly as we guessed right off, Australia is under sever threat of a werewolf pandemic.

All that training and money, and the Australian medical field is still struggling to understand what any cryptozoologist – or even alchemist – could have pointed out.

You know who displays “werewolf-like” behaviors during the full moon. Werewolves do.

If this hospital alone dealt with 91 cases of werewolves, we can only imagine that the worst is yet to come. It is time to declare national emergency, and deal with the werewolf onslaught before things get totally out of control.

In times like this, we generally have two “go to” strategies.

The first is always “What would Buffy Summers do?” and the second is “If Buffy did bite the dust by going with the first plan, how would Bruce Willis save our bacon?”

These protocols generally do not mesh well with fire drills.

The one clear solution is for Australia to fall back on the Swiss strategy of the “National Redoubt“, or in layman’s terms, “a big fort.” If anyone had to pick the perfect place to fend off a werewolf assault, it is unthinkable that they would choose any place but Uluru (Ayers Rock).

This massive rock formation in the middle of nowhere is just begging for a little tunneling and fortification.

The Aboriginal peoples might have some qualms about using the sacred rock as a werewolf fort, but that is only because they have never seen a werewolf pandemic. Government negotiators will have to hammer out the details, but eventually the question will have to be answered, “What sounds worse, breaking Dreamtime taboos, or getting eaten by a werewolf from Perth?”

Our very concise opinion would be that the Australian government begin immediate fortification of, and withdrawal to, Uluru in order to survive the coming werewolf war. Most likely the entire economy needs to be focused exclusively on preparation for this necessity. Our suggestion would be to put Steven Seagal and Dolph Lundgren in joint control of a more immediate “Werewolf Suppression Task Force.”

Of course the Australian government can also choose to mock us, and ignore our recommendations.

It’s no skin off The Beer Yeti’s back. We already have a werewolf fort.

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Virginians Uncover Sasquatch Feces

December 10, 2009

Now available for lectures

A group of Sasquatch seekers in Virginia is blazing new trails in cryptozoological inquiry.

According to Billy Willard, founder of Sasquatch Watch of Virginia, a team of Sasquatch seekers recently came across samples of “suspicious feces” while scouring the West Virginian wilderness for Bigfoot.

Willard told West Virginian Public Broadcasting that while they found “suspicious feces,” and made casts of footprints, they did not actually spot the elusive biped.

“Typically we go out and visit sites where there’s been previous sighting reports,” Willard said. “We do get encounters called in to a hot line that we have, and we go out and we’ll research those areas looking for evidence such as footprints, strange stick tree structures and that kind of thing.”

Mr. Willard went on to state that though he has never personally beheld a Sasquatch, he firmly believes they exist.

I could accept that this thing is human, whether it’s an undiscovered Native American tribe of people, I could accept that this is some kind of North American ape that just simply hasn’t been documented yet,” he said. “Those are the two main theories.”

Our Field Operations Planning Committee (FOPC) is abuzz with how to assimilate Mr. Willard’s statements into their own excursions afield. Specifically, how does one go about identifying and categorizing “suspicious feces”?

This pretty much dominated our staff meeting this morning, as various employees on FOPC wanted to know what characteristics of fecal material found in the woods qualify it as “suspicious,” and if they get a bonus for having to collect samples.

Unfortunately, Sasquatch Watch of Virginia has been lax in posting their “Suspicious Feces Identification Standards” on the organizational website, so this debate will most likely be ongoing.

Unlike other recently addressed Bigfoot research groups, we feel that Mr. Willard has an open mind, and is most likely not a shape-shifter.

Much more time and research will have to be dedicated to investigating one of the “two main theories,” namely that Sasquatch is an undiscovered Native American tribe roaming around West Virginia. Tribal elders of First Nations traditionally residing in West Virginia will need to be extensively interviewed before The Beer Yeti can officially comment on this postulation.

Should the Sasquatch be tax exempt? This is just one of the ramifications of Mr. Willard’s theory.

More on that to come shortly.

If you have encountered a Sasquatch, or come across “suspicious feces,” we encourage you to reward the hard work of the good folks at SWV by letting them know via this hotline: (703) 445-4287

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Sasquatch Sighting and Media Cover-up

December 3, 2009

Gulf Coast Bigfoot Research Organization infiltrated by shape-shifting Were Squatch

San Antonio law enforcement have been saddled with the unenviable task of trying to track down a “large, hairy creature” that was seen dragging a deer carcass into the woods.

After local authorities completed a predictably futile search,  a member of the Gulf Coast Bigfoot Research Organization (GCBRO) – came in to assess the situation. This cryptozoologist uncovered  non-human footprints, and there ended the media analysis. Local news stations report that GCBRO was aware of a number of sightings having been reported in the area over the last couple of years.

As a rule, we like localized Bigfoot Research Organizations of all shapes and sizes. Without the benefits of the facilities, equipment, experience, staff expertise, martial arts training and personal charm that The Beer Yeti enjoys, these local groups put themselves in the field – and in the line of Bigfoot attack –  to search out the elusive Sasquatch.

After completing a rigorous analysis of the case details, The Beer Yeti is ready to make some empirically grounded claims about the San Antonio Sasquatch.

Similar to the famous incident of the “Shape-shifting Mormon Were-Squatch” of British Columbia, we are dealing with a crafty beast, desperate to maintain freedom at all costs.

As many of you guessed right off, a Shape-shifter is the perpetrator of the sighting, and subsequent cover-up. Read the rest of this entry ?

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SkyMall: Brainwashing the Masses?

October 29, 2009

ExploitativeYeti

The world of home improvement merchandising is still reeling from the heavy-handed boycott The Beer Yeti enacted over the sale of “Sasquatch the Garden Yeti,” potentially the most offensive garden decoration ever made available to international markets.

Now, Phoenix-based marketing/publishing firm “Sky Mall” has been exposed as another cog in the anti-Yeti, defamation machine.

Recently, an activist reader was perusing Sky Mall’s quarterly publication mid-flight, and discovered that the magazine offered the same objectifying sculpture that set off The Home Depot boycott!

So what exactly is it that you sell, Sky Mall? Shower radios, or exploitation?

The implications of Sky Mall selling this monument to ignorance are huge. Every year, approximately 650 MILLION travelers are exposed to their in-flight catalog. That is 650 Million people being bombarded with harmful stereotypes, and having their misconceptions cemented into an adamantine indifference to crypid rights. Read the rest of this entry ?

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Obama’s Failure to Appoint Cryptozoology Czar is Raising Questions

August 14, 2009

GET US-ELECTIONS-DEBATE-DEMOCRATS

Month after month has passed, person after person has been appointed to posts in President Obama’s administration, yet one glaring omission is causing wildfire-like speculation at the highest levels of governments around the globe.

Inside sources tell The Beer Yeti that President Obama has yet to appoint a Cryptozoology Czar.

The ramifications of this oversight are stunning. Says one anonymous scientist,

” The cryptozoology research community is dumbfounded. Does the current administration have any intentions of facilitating a collaborative research effort? It doesn’t seem like it. Honestly, people are scared.”

Even our veteran pollsters and data analysts were thrown off.  Up to this point, we assumed that the hubbub over massive healthcare shifts was  simply a distraction drummed up to buy Obama time to make a more thorough search for an appropriate figurehead for the United State’s cryptozoological research efforts.

We continue to hold out in hopes that President Obama has simply not found someone with the extensive qualifications and experience that holding such a vital office would require. All the same, speed is of the essence in meeting the lofty expectations of the nation and the world.

A substantive, policy-based position like Secretary of Cryptozoological Research and Cryptid Freedom Facilitation is one that the United States cannot afford to have empty for long.

What will President Obama do? We intend to keep our readers updated with the same information we receive.

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North Korea Steps forward as Unlikely Supporter of Post-Credential Educational Approach

August 6, 2009

Video provided to The Beer Yeti demonstrating North Korean post-substantive, socio-political leadership schema

It is safe to say that our staff is reeling from the enthusiasm and support shown by the many people who have embraced the paradigm shifting potential of The Beer Yeti’s “post-credential” educational model. Our demand for liberation focused, cryptozoology curricula to be included at university level instruction was hardly posted when the messages of praise and solidarity started coming in. Certainly the support from some quarters has been unexpected ( to say the least), but our top organizational directors are firmly committed to subjecting personal political philosophies for the advancement of freedom for the Yeti, Sasquatch, and their lesser known relations.

North Korea has been especially enthusiastic in their embracing of an educational approach that espouses non-diagnostic, non-normative, benchmark-free assessment. From our  in-depth research via Wikipedia, it seems that this peninsular pariah has been blazing trails in that department for quite some time. Obviously their “research” is still shackled to more western, post-enlightenment conventions than The Beer Yeti would ever make use of in our organizational research, but the country’s consistent refusal of empirically-based decision making is impressive. While the legal implications of supplying their national university system with Cryptozoological Science curricula are something that our legal department must ponder, we are none the less flattered that our little announcement has made such impressive headway.

conventionalyeti

The Beer Yeti moves the Korean Peninsula outside the box