Posts Tagged ‘Twilight’

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“Primeval Hearts” Update

December 1, 2009

Numerous readers have contacted us via email expressing discontent over Twilight star, Robert Pattinson, being considered for the upcoming Yeti epic “Primeval Hearts.”

We wholeheartedly agree that this actor would leave much to be desired as the Raoul Derelicht, a shapeshifting Were-Yeti who unleashes primal justice in the Himalayas, while winning the heart of Mei Ling. Consider our two fold motivation for potentially using Pattinson in the film:

1.) Personal redemption for him.

2.) Filthy lucre for us.

Many of you have been deeply curious about Mei Ling. We really can’t say any more about the her character without giving away the riveting end to the first film.

The following concept poster is an artist’s rendering of the final showdown in the film, but excludes both Dolph Lundgren and Robert Pattinson. We will continue searching for an actor who can capture the true vitality and compelling vigor of the Were-Yeti.

Another important creative decision has been made concerning the film’s name. After an elongated staff meeting this morning ( in which Gary from the motor pool acted exceptionally juvenile), The Beer Yeti’s creative directors have decided that the new film title will be “Primeval Heart: Yeti Justice,” to better reflect the imcomparability, ferocity and singularity of the Were-Yeti’s persona.

Please continue your feedback, as we have a long way to go before this picture explodes into popular awareness.

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Beer Yeti Eyes Twilight Movie Success

November 30, 2009

The Beer Yeti starts work on film script

As troubling as it is to see Yeti awareness eclipsed by the movie Twilight, this phenomenon is a wake up call to the many cryptozoologists whose efforts have previously reached only the elusive “Unemployed, White Male with Interest in Dungeons & Dragons” demographic.

The masses are completely enthralled by the vapid and contrived story of forbidden love betwixt a powerful, brooding vampire, and a weak, brooding girl.

What does all this say about our society? Easy. “People love cryptids.”

Think about this. If legions of people are willing to unlimber their wallets to watch a conflicted vampire run around climbing trees and playing baseball, imagine the cinematic effect of the unrestrained physical and emotional power of the Yeti?

Before us is the opportunity to hurtle the Yeti into the social prominence his attributes and habits merit, unlike Twilight, which draws attention to the overdressed and insipid creatures intent on undermining every good and decent portrayal of a vampire since Nosferatu.

If this bad film is making bank, the possibilities for a well-done film with the same themes are endless.

The Beer Yeti has taken steps to begin production of a film series showcasing actual spontaneous romance, and a truly sinister and compelling love interest.

Obviously a Yeti would be the most sinister and compelling love interest ever. Primarily because they eternally burn with unquenchable hate, and feel no emotions akin to love for anything but their own freedom.

Consider a few key characteristics of Edward Cullen ( the vampire love interest in Twilight) as compared to the Yeti.

Edward Cullen:

  • voyeuristic wanker
  • attends high school when he doesn’t have to
  • doesn’t drive an American made car (hates freedom)
  • crippled by self-loathing, but still manages to do all that work to his hair
  • wastes post-natural physical development (football team could have used him)
  • condescending toward local Native American inhabitants (racist)
  • handsome

The Yeti:

  • Compelled only by freedom
  • Physical strength of roughly 10 to 12 Yaks
  • Unparalleled cunning
  • Perfectly attuned to natural environment
  • Equitably hates all races and cultures
  • Lacks characteristics Western Culture would consider to be physically appealing

That said, The Beer Yeti is bending all the creative power of our staff toward the development of a script forĀ  our “Crypto-Romance” series. Read the rest of this entry ?