Posts Tagged ‘Yeti Sighting’

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President Obama: Yeti Emissary?

December 8, 2009

In a recent diplomatic visit to the White House by Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, President Obama was invited to reciprocate with a visit to India.

On the surface this would appear to be a follow-up on the two leaders’ chat at the G-8+G-5 Summit, but political analysts at The Beer Yeti sense a more urgent issue inspiring the visit.

“There can be little doubt that the Yeti will be at the heart of any trips President Obama takes to India,” says the charming and handsome Beer Yeti Political Director (anonymity protected by The Beer Yeti’s non-disclosure policies).  “Pressure has been swelling in the greater cryptozoological research community to see these two nations unite in an effort to protect Yeti habitats, and also protect rural villagers from increasingly frequent Yeti attacks. It comes as a huge relief to our organization to see the President lending his credibility and influence to this great issue of our time.”

Some insiders will undoubtedly wonder how The Beer Yeti views the president’s short track record on cryptozoological outreach.

It is no easy task to consolidate all our concerns and compliments into one short statement on this site, but that is why we pay-and tolerate- a handsome and charming Beer Yeti Political Director.

“We try to be understanding in our presidential assessments. During President Obama’s campaign, we were deeply moved by the many tacit promises he made to further cryptozoological research and exploration. Few of these understood obligations have been made good since his election, but we look forward to him changing that with a trip to India. This could be just the boost in the polls his administration is looking for.”

As the universe’s foremost authority on the Yeti, it would seem to be necessary for the President to engage The Beer Yeti’s services in negotiating and administrating over any cryptid-focused government contracts that would result from such a trip. Our board unanimously agreed this morning that only our veteran staff would be fully capable of handling the intricacies of the international partnership.

Naturally, significant stimulus funds would be required to facilitate with the delicacy the situation requires.

We look forward to communicating to our readers the President’s official acknowledgment of the Yeti as the primary function of his announced trip the day it is announced.

Below is a rare photo of The Beer Yeti political director on expedition in Tibet. He is not allowed to wear the pith helmet around the office, so he overcompensates on research excursions.



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Beer Yeti Eyes Twilight Movie Success

November 30, 2009

The Beer Yeti starts work on film script

As troubling as it is to see Yeti awareness eclipsed by the movie Twilight, this phenomenon is a wake up call to the many cryptozoologists whose efforts have previously reached only the elusive “Unemployed, White Male with Interest in Dungeons & Dragons” demographic.

The masses are completely enthralled by the vapid and contrived story of forbidden love betwixt a powerful, brooding vampire, and a weak, brooding girl.

What does all this say about our society? Easy. “People love cryptids.”

Think about this. If legions of people are willing to unlimber their wallets to watch a conflicted vampire run around climbing trees and playing baseball, imagine the cinematic effect of the unrestrained physical and emotional power of the Yeti?

Before us is the opportunity to hurtle the Yeti into the social prominence his attributes and habits merit, unlike Twilight, which draws attention to the overdressed and insipid creatures intent on undermining every good and decent portrayal of a vampire since Nosferatu.

If this bad film is making bank, the possibilities for a well-done film with the same themes are endless.

The Beer Yeti has taken steps to begin production of a film series showcasing actual spontaneous romance, and a truly sinister and compelling love interest.

Obviously a Yeti would be the most sinister and compelling love interest ever. Primarily because they eternally burn with unquenchable hate, and feel no emotions akin to love for anything but their own freedom.

Consider a few key characteristics of Edward Cullen ( the vampire love interest in Twilight) as compared to the Yeti.

Edward Cullen:

  • voyeuristic wanker
  • attends high school when he doesn’t have to
  • doesn’t drive an American made car (hates freedom)
  • crippled by self-loathing, but still manages to do all that work to his hair
  • wastes post-natural physical development (football team could have used him)
  • condescending toward local Native American inhabitants (racist)
  • handsome

The Yeti:

  • Compelled only by freedom
  • Physical strength of roughly 10 to 12 Yaks
  • Unparalleled cunning
  • Perfectly attuned to natural environment
  • Equitably hates all races and cultures
  • Lacks characteristics Western Culture would consider to be physically appealing

That said, The Beer Yeti is bending all the creative power of our staff toward the development of a script for  our “Crypto-Romance” series. Read the rest of this entry ?

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Josh Gates Spared by Yeti

November 23, 2009

Josh Gates’ Cryptozoological Clouseauian Capers Continue

In the past we have been rather hard on Josh Gates. Truth be told, we have probably been even harder on him than his televised series of blind speculation merits.

Getting paid to wander around the globe with a “team of truth seekers” investigating oral traditions from semi-literate tribesmen isn’t a bad gig, and far be it from us to hold it against the guy for running with the opportunity.

In fact,  we recently required several members of the research staff to  watch Destination Truth: The Bhutan Yeti in its entirety.

Now, it appears that Gates and his merry band of may have struck upon something neither he or his producers actually expected: scientific evidence of the creature they seek.

It can  be assumed that whoever is funding Gates’ nocturnal romps with the night vision camera is alternately dumbfounded and elated. Read the rest of this entry ?

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Economic Implications of Polish Yeti Sighting

September 2, 2009

Yeti sightings are a good thing ( if you live through it), and are generally greeted with enthusiasm by researchers at The Beer Yeti. Of late, disconcerting events in Poland have cast a pall of gloom over our entire compound.

According to Justyna Folger, a self described “19 year old Polish woman”, a skulking Yeti spent  minutes leering at her as she splashed around in a bikini. Whilst said Yeti skulked and leered, her boyfriend caught the beast in a grainy video, which has since had over 200,000 hits on YouTube.

This alleged Yeti behavior has raised serious problems for the crypto-research community, and a mad race has begun in labs across the globe to put meaning to the interaction. Save yourselves the trouble and expense, people. The Beer Yeti has weighed this case, and found it wanting.

What should be obvious to even the most neophyte cryptozoologist is that this breaks the pattern of typical Yeti “sightings,” as it involves Poland, and a bikini ( do they even have those in the Himalayas?). What is sadly typical is the coarse manner in which the drive-by media has embraced the most juvenile possibilities of the sighting.

The Yeti is majestic and aloof, not to be treated like a cameo character on Family Guy.

The Yeti has never displayed anything but a desire to avoid any and all contact with humanity. When avoidance has been impossible, human intruders have felt the devastating wrath of Yeti Justice. Science has spoken conclusively on this, and the fact that we have to reiterate this basic scientific fact shows the sad under-education of this generation. Had this woman happened upon a Yeti, neither she nor her voyeur boyfriend would have survived to report on it. Of course this would never happen in the first place. You don’t “happen” on a Yeti. A Yeti happens to you, and only once. The hasty attribution of human foible  like lust and loneliness to a beast that has never demonstrated either, and is scientifically incapable of them, shows that something is very, very wrong with the scenario presented by the Polish sunbathers. One “news” source in the U.K. went so far as to report the incident as “Bikini girl: pervert yeti stalked me.” Even now ‘The Beer Yeti Legal Advisory Council for the Defense and Liberation of Cryptids’ ( ‘TBYLACDLC’ on our business cards) is drawing up the paperwork to pursue legal action against these libelous allegations. Read the rest of this entry ?